L'histoire de ma vie

Journey to the Pyrenees

2011-05-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that there are certain simple things that everyone should be able to do that I magnificently fail at. Prior to September 2010, I could not ride a bicycle. I still cannot swim, and Pre-April 2011, I had never been hiking, mountain climbing, or camping.

Anyways, I reached a resolution, prior to my arrival in the Netherlands, that I was going to try as much as possible to cancel off my list the things I had never done but always wanted to do. So riding a bicycle was the first step. I have to say that, it is now incomprehensible to me that there was a time I could not ride a bicycle considering the fact that I am now a professional bicycle dinker whilst hauling a grocery bag and bottles of Vodka and Rum on both handles. And when it comes to cycling light-headed or semi-tipsy--(okay maybe semi-drunk) at unholy hours of the night, I am your woman :)!

With the knowledge of how easy these things I did not know how to do were, I decided that I would jump at any opportunity for "ädventure" that came my way. The first of which was a formal swimming lesson. My friends, Chris and Kim, had the arduous task of teaching me how to swim...I can only say that so far, one thing is for sure, I am a professional sinker. Although, my swimming aspirations is still in an epic fail phase, I am relentless and determined. I must swim...sooner or later. Even if it means moving to an island where swimming is the only way I can get around.

To the topic at hand, I recently went on a 10 day trip that included a bit of everything. In efforts to avoid my ever present ramblings...I will attempt to write only about the highlights.

Day 1:

KIM

CHRIS

Arrived in Andorra. The bus ride there was an experience. I saw the Pyrenees up close and personal and I fell in love with the mountain ranges. The view was stunning and three hours of travel from Barcelona didn't seem as long as I had anticipated. I got off the bus at Andorra la Velle and went behind the bus station to meet up with Chris and Kim. Shortly after the "Hellos and Hi's " it was time to go stock up on supplies (Food) and begin a climb to 2015meters where our chosen refugi was. To be honest, having never taken a formal outdoor trip, I did not know what to expect. The guys were slightly worried on my behalf as I did not have a sleeping mat (I thought I only needed a sleeping bag :( ). We must have walked all over the main city center in Andorra but did not find the "cheap" mat that I wanted. I mean, I have slept in a sleeping bag without a mat a few times, so I really did not think it was that big a deal. We stocked up on food and set off on our trek. Something I came to learn about the guys...they are definitely adventurers. No definite plans...they just go with the flow when it comes to camping. Using the map they had purchased sometime before I arrived, they navigated us on the path of a refugi that was not too high up as they were concerned that I would freeze to death. However, for some reason I cannot appropriately recall, it was not feasible to go to that refugi, so we followed a different trail that led to another refugi that was 2015meters high. For those of you accustomed to feet as I am, 2015 meters is equivalent to 6610 feets. The climb was by far one of the hardest thing I had ever done physically (besides my first few classes of power yoga back in the day). To make matters worse, the mountain was so steep (at a 45 degree angle), cold and it was getting dark and fast (Did I also mention that I had no headlights?). I asked for a few 10 seconds breathers and we continued on. I mean, I could have easily asked for a lot more, but the guys, especially Chris, looked like he was taking a stroll on the beach, so I toughened up. After hours of climbing up a steep mountain and what seemed like forever, we started to question if we had followed a wrong track and were now climbing into the unknown. Kim and Chris being Kim and Chris, continued on. And eventually, after an eternity, we found the refugi.

The refugi looked like no one had been there in months. We even found a dead animal--not sure which-- inside. The guys did some cleaning and gathered some fire wood to make it through the night, as I changed into my thermals. Kim cooked can food (that consisted of beans, sausage and other assortments) that was absolutely delicious. We ate this with a baguette. Afterward, we hung around the fire for a few minutes, before heading off to bed. Luckily, in the refugee, there was a usable mattress that could substitute for a mat (only a lot softer), Chris dusted it off, and he slept on the mattress while I warmed up with his sleeping mat. We all slept close to the fire place at the very top of the bunk beds. I got the warmest space of course.

So, now came time for sleep. The guys may have slept peacefully, but my night was everything but normal. I tossed and turned and barely got any sleep (Kim did warm me about sleepless nights the first couple of days)!

Day 2:

Eventually, morning came, we got up, had breakfast, freshened up by the spring, filled up our water bottles with delicious glacial water and headed off. We had a plan, we were gonna walk into a different city but then, somewhere along the way, we lost the track. So we decided to head down anyways. Kim led the troop and yes, he found the steepest route which had no path or track. I was not scared, I was petrified. We walked into forest after forest space, fighting with blood hungry plants that scraped the heck out of my legs. I still have scars for proof! Even Chris can admit, it was one heck of a descend as it was much more harder than the climb up. Eventually, when we reached ground, I could feel three burgeoning blisters on my feet.

We stopped for rest, and while Kim cooked lunch, Chris was kind enough to show me how to tape my blisters with a sports tape (needless to say, by the end of the trip, I was very well adjusted to sport tape ;)). After lunch, the plan was to leave Andorra so we set our trails on that path (The idea was to walk across the mountains from Andorra to Spain). We made it into the city center in Andorra, gave a second shot at finding me a sleeping mat and we did! Then we continued on on our hike. Night came and it was time for sleep. We set up camp at a slight elevation a few meters from the highway. I was excited. It was my first tent experience and a better sleep than the previous night.

Day 3:

We woke up. Freshened up. Had breakfast. Warmed up. And trekked on. We took short cuts through hills and forest in other to avoid the highway. Some hills were harder than others for me but I made it. We ended up in Naturlandia-La Rabassa. Naturlandia is an eco-friendly mountain theme park located in the Andorran parish of Sant Julià de Lòria. Having eaten out of cans for two days, we could not resist the temptations of a proper meal. Needless to say, it was delicious. After a few hours of lax in La Rabassa, we continued on our trek into Spain.The thing was though...we did not have a map for Spain. We knew which direction we needed to head but no map to aid navigation. So with some reserve food and nothing but intuition, we crossed from Andorra into Spain. The landscape was great. We got lost, got found, and ended up in Estamariu. We set up camp at the city's edge. It was a chilly but nice evening. We had dinner, and went to sleep.

Day 4:

We woke up at about 7amish. Observed the regular routine--freshen up, eat, pack up tent, and continue on hiking :). We hiked into the town of Estamariu. Picked up a map at a cafe, had some coffee, and descended down a highway, taking short-cuts where feasible. Day 4 was very uneventful. We were surrounded by highways...there was no way to hike across mountains or forests into the next city. We could not hitch a ride and the buses in Estamariu were impossible. After about 2hours of waiting for the bus and drinking whiskey, we decided we'd be better off hiking. We found a sidewalk and trekked into Sur D'Úrgell. It was a nice quiet city. Barely anyone was outside. Felt more like a holiday. The guys and I figured that maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was a very religious city and Easter was around the corner. We needed a hostel for the night. We searched but could not find anything within the price range we were willing to pay. And besides, we were not too keen on giving up our time in the wild-Camping- we just needed a place to properly freshen up. We met a guy from Gabon...who was very nice to us but a little too nice. All the same, he made navigating the city a breeze. Eventually, we decided we would not be hosteling or camping in Sur D'Úrgell. We went to the bus station to see which city we could go to but the buses were no longer running until the next day. We hiked outside of the city and found a camp ground. It was ridiculously cheap. We showered and set up camp for the night.

Day 5:

We pulled ourselves together, hiked back into Sur D'Úrgell, visited the museum, and boarded the bus to Barcelona. It was semi-empty, so we sprawled out and napped some through the drive. We were in Barcelona for no more than two hours as we were trying to get away from the city. We figured we'd go to the ocean somewhere, so Blanes it was! We got off the train and took the bus to the city center. We saw the ocean...it was cold, and not all that impressive. We took a seat at a beach restaurant...Chris and Kim marveled at the fact that they could buy half a liter of beer for less than what it would have cost in Norway or Utrecht....they drank, I observed :). Afterward, we decided to walk around and find camp for the night. In Blanes, in the area we were at, there were barely no hill/mountain in sight. Kim and Chris found the only impossible hill (to climb) in sight in Blanes...and made me climb it. It was by far the hardest thing I did during the trip. It took everything out of me, courage was replaced with fear. With Chris's help-he was behind me giving me a push/hand when I needed one-I made it up. Kim was the guide. The view from the top was amazing. It was well worth the climb. Besides the view, we realized that we had stumbled onto a wealthy community with a private beach. We sneaked into the beach, watched the waves, drank beers, and decided to camp on the beach that night. It was by far my best sleep of the trip. There's something quite amazing about the ocean...and the sound of the thunderous yet soothing and calm waves...you had to be there!

Day 6:

We woke up early and continued on our trek. We made it into the city center of Blanes. Looked around...had Breakfast and lunch and boarded the bus headed to Lloret de Mar. It was a very windy day. The clouds promised rain but it never came until night time. We went to the beach, had lunch, and scouted for a hostel. We found a pension apartment for the night which was nice. We chilled out for a bit, freshened up, and then pondered plans for the night. The heavens began to cry but there was no stopping us! We started out the evening at a bar close to the apartment after which we decided to head into the strip where all the clubs were. The street corners were covered with scouts promoting their bars/clubs. Every one offered a tequila shot for 1euro, so it did not take much to convince us ;). We stopped by a few bars and had a tequila shot. We walked around some more...(and went with the breeze--hence a few occurrences that should not be blogged about ;) ). By the end of the night, I was done...I barely remember the walk back....we returned to the first bar we started out the night with.... (***lots of blur***...)...I began to suffocate...I ran out of the bar...slumped outside while waiting on Chris and Kim to join me....****blur****...Chris had to carry me home. The benefits of having a strong man around :).

Day 7:

We woke up. I was reminded of the previous night :). We showered. Got dressed. Had English breakfast. Lounged at the beach for a little while. And headed off to the bus station to board the bus to Girona. On our arrival to Girona, we realized we had waltz :) into an occasion of some sort. Everyone was out and about. It was impossible to get around. The streets were painted with people...New York City's rush hour could never hold a candle...we searched for a hostel...we failed to find one for all three of us. We decided to trek some more. We were lucky to find a hostel that allowed us to store our bags for a 5euro fee. Feeling lighter, we explored the city of Girona-castles and what not. The sky began to cry. We found shelter until it subsided at a restaurant. With no place to camp and an annoying drizzle that never ended, we walked to the bus stop, got to Girona airport, and slept at the airport. Somewhere that night, I lost my beloved red hat that had endured 6 hectic years with me (Rest in peace :()

Day 8:
Boarded plane to Eindhoven. Trained it from Eindhoven to Utrecht and met a stunning 25degrees weather--if you live in Holland, you'd understand why 25degrees is amazing!!!!. Holland was the hottest place in Europe that week. We stopped somewhere around the Neude for a drink. And we continued on our hike. We hiked towards home...I took the right into UCU and the boys continued on to the Uithof. We said our goodbyes and see you soon's. I got home. I showered. Did laundry and slept.

Reflections: Words cannot explain what the trip did for me and how it served as an eyeopener to a certain part of myself that had been hidden. It was everything I expected and more. I learned a lot about myself, the guys, and nature. I should easily thrive in the wild :). I will always be grateful to the guys for bringing me along... Yes. It was intense and lots of hard work...climbing--:) :)....and deprivation of simple pleasures I was accustomed to (Like the joy of being able to shower everyday and a warm soft bed :)...although by the third day of the trip, these needs became ephemeral)....but it made me realize how much more simple life could be without the stress of technology. The adventurer in me has been resurrected ever since.

Next destination? Kilimanjaro or Patagonia! We'll see! :)

And for the guys: They are hella cool! I hope I know them forever! Two of my best friends in Holland. They are a part of my Utrecht and obviously, my diamonds in the rough and wild :).

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!

Fun Facts:
In the Tent above Estamariu
Me: I wish we had a TV...so we could watch a nature documentary.
Chris: What? You are kidding right? We are in nature why would you want a documentary?
Me: Ooopsie...that sounded dumb didn't it?

In Blanes scared out of my mind climbing a hill:
Me: I cannot do this! Guys can we go around it?
Kim: No. Don't be a pussy!
Me: *Fcuk* off. I'd gladly be one today :(!

SIDE NOTE: Excuse the typos, I'll find it all--and make corrections--eventually :).

The Love Letter

2011-04-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

Sparkles, there is nothing in the universe that can convince me otherwise of a fact I know all too well.

I LOVE YOU so much, it hurts. It hurts when I am not around you, it hurts when you are half way across the world, so this is why I will come closer to you.

One secret, I am jealous of people who get to see you everyday. Everything I have done to date over the past two years has been crazy, statistically insane and incomprehensible how you meet someone and they change your life forever. Your love has made a fool of me. It has had me on a high so long, that I do not care to sober up.

You should know that I will never come between you and the wonders of your dream. All I ask is that you allow me the option to follow. My love for you has never been unrequited, your love is just too stubborn. My heart was made complete when I walked up to you and although not broken, it has remained incomplete since you've been gone.

My heart, I believe that I have earned the right to love you. Allow me a chance to show that I'll never drop the heart you painstakingly placed in my palms. I have held on to it for so long and if all is the same with you, I would like to hold on to it until we are gray and once again fragile.

You once told me that letting me go was your way of showing me that you loved me. And while this made no sense, you talked me through it and I obliged.

After months of everlasting heart turmoil, I am still here, you are still here. And you love me perfectly. Together, there is nothing perfect about us but there's everything wonderful. Yesterday, I asked you what you had to lose by letting me love you and allowing yourself to love me in return and you said 'everything'. Exactly!

Last week, I read in your email, how undeserving of me you are. This is your opinion and I agree. You are impossible, obstinate, confused, complicated, nonchalant, crazy, outspoken, unedited, unadulterated, honest, loyal--with a few exceptions--loving and sometimes, even painfully cute. So, I deserve every bit of you.

Recalling the day you had to leave, we laughed until we had to cry, we loved each other right down to the airport terminal, remember? And if walls could speak, they'd tell tales of how effortlessly jealous we made them.

In 20 years, I do not want to smile and recall that I had it all, that we had it all. I want it all right now, tomorrow, you and me, forever.

I miss you a lot, I guess you could say, a lot too much, a lot too often, and a lot more each day. I refuse to live without you, I can, but I do not want to. Thus, I cannot let go. Letting go is never the hardest thing to do. Holding on to you, and the inner workings of your mind, now, that's proven to be impossible. But I'd like to try all the same.

And you my love, have taken the easy road off. Stop running, stand and trust.

I cannot promise you that I will never hurt you but I can tell you that I will love you everyday more than I loved you the day before. I will love you everyday for the rest of my life. I deserve the best, and I want it all-the good, the bad, the flaws, and its culmination into your perfection. I deserve you because I love you perfectly.

You are always in my heart, and there you will remain. I cannot let go, I do not want to and you do not want me to. I am convinced that there was never a girl in world like you. And being the lucky bastard that I am, I found you. I want nothing more in the world than your happiness. Even if it means I am not a part of it.

PS: Stop trying to push me away. You will fail.

~With all my heart xxx

A Woman Should Have...

2011-04-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled on this poem on google during one of my many lazy bummy days. Most google blogs and site have called this poem, Maya Angelou's Best Poem Ever. Having read a lot of Maya Angelou's work, it did not quite resonate the same feeling that I get when I read a quote or poem by Maya Angelou. So, I did a 10minutes research on our beloved google :-) to find that, in fact, it is not Maya Angelou's work. The above is not meant to discredit this poem because, I love every bit of it. It is very well thought through and forces me to ask myself some important questions. So, if you care to know, it was written by Pamela Redmond Satran and not Maya Angelou.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

enough

money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

something

perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams

wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a past juicy

enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her

old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

one friend who

always makes her laugh.. and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a good piece

of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her

family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

eight

matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for

a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a feeling of

control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit

a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend

without;

ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK

AWAY..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her

childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she

would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

how to live

alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

or a

charming Inn in the woods....

when her soul needs

soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...

month...and a year...

Even if I Do not Show it, I think About you All the Time ;)

2011-04-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog, it has been a century. How I have missed you!!!

Lately, my life has been tremendously hectic to say the least. Maybe if I pulled together and kept on writing, I may have found some solace in you.

So, I have much to tell you. I reckon a minimum of a blog a week should do? ;-)

I already feel better posting this up.

And yes, I recognize I might also be semi-nuts for talking to my blog. ;-)

Ringing in the New Year...the Journey Ahead

2011-01-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

It has been a while hasn't it? It's the 30th day of the first month of 2011 and here goes my first entry. What has become of me, you might wonder... "Plenty".

The end of last year and the beginning of this year has brought me many downs...and tiredly, I stand. The peacefulness of being content evades me. I am lost beyond life...slowly losing touch of my reality. Indulging cures most heartaches, but only for a few hours and when it fades...the only thing left to do is indulge some more.

I am convinced beyond the earth, that there is a bright shining light at the end of my tunnel. Between responsibilities and indifference...my life continues...slowly, steadily...and unknowingly. I have remained on a constant search for clarity for a long as I have found myself...

Recently, I have been exploring the limits to which I can push myself. I am in a constant battle with the will inside of me to take it all in...somedays...I crave a blur, a daze, and a haze...all at once...on other days...I am numb.

Regardless of what I feel...an unfettering truth remains. I can make it. I will make it. I must survive this year.

Frozen Lakes

2010-12-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

What are the consequences of my decisions today on tomorrow? I often ponder how I continually get from that point to this point. In this new place, I have been overwhelmed by the person who continually and with judgement, stares back at me in the mirror. And somehow, I am back in a place where I used to be...and all I need remember is to breathe.

"Breathe Chisom" I say....Breathe...to what end and why? Breathing is all I do these days...all I ever do.

I exist in a mapped out version of self-imposed rules. "Don't do this, don't do that...think about it Chisom, you are a non-comformist, you are out of the buble" I say...and while this rationale has often been a blessing, it has also become a handicap...I am begining to forget what it feels like to feel...I do not know how to do that anymore...I now live, in this regard, in a self-sanctified stoism where everything is in passing....every moment is just what it is...a moment.

In constant turmoil with the demons in my head...I just wish I knew what it was that took my sleep away and threatens to rid me of what is inside my very soul. Like a calculated thief in the night...it comes daily...stealing a bit of this and that. And with oblivion until now, I just let it take bits of me.

Dear Blog, I know that the art of blocking out memories leads to emotional and systemic damage. How do I get back from here when I am devoid of any emotional attachment to myself? I feel for people, I suffer their pain when looking empirically through their eyes. So tell me this, why do I not feel for myself...? Why do I always say..."It could be worse"? Could it?

I am very hopeful and optimistic about life, friends, end to poverty and strife, children, women, and humanity to a large degree. I always hope for and expect the best...so why do I expect the worst when it is personal, could it be so when 'shit hits the fan,' I can say...ah it happens! It could be worse!?

Exactly how far along am I in damage?
After 23 years of modern bull-shit, moving from place to place, of conforming and rebelling, and joys, laughter, and pain, I know this much...I have to let go of myself. I need to set myself free of the demons I know not. Life is confusing and uncertainty remains. I have traveled far and wide but I still search...I still long...I still wait...and I still hope.

Sometimes...life sticks...like being confined inside a frozen lake with no room to swim for safety or anyone around to break through the ice and this is exactly why I breathe. I breathe to let some pain out and some love in. I breathe...because I know no other way to survive.

Dear Blog

2010-11-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

I know I have neglected you for a while now...

Will I receive any justification from the fact that I have been studying my bottom off?

I am sorry but graduate school is tough....bah....

From Home to Home

2010-09-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

A little more than two weeks ago, I checked my life in three suitcases-paid extra luggage fees at JFK :(-and boarded a plane to Brussels. My transition from the life I had built for myself in NYC to the unknown in Holland was not as stressful because I had one of my best friends (en-route to Barcelona) seated next to me on the plane ride from NY-Brussels. After a few hours wandering around in Brussels, reality set in-My friend had to catch his flight to Barcelona...I accompanied him to his gate...gave him a massive hug and bade him farewell. As I watched him walk through the gate and onto his plane...I wondered..."How am I going to survive four hours of waiting to catch my flight?"

Somehow, I managed. The plane ride from Brussels to Amsterdam was short... I was very happy that my bags came in just as I reached luggage claim. After "claiming" my bags...I set off to the information desk as I needed to buy a train pass to Utrecht. With eight less Euros in my pocket, I boarded the train-20-30 ride- to Utrecht.

Arrival at Utrecht Central Station
My arrival to Utrecht was very stressful. I had to haul four bags (at snail pace) by myself. It was not pretty! Eventually, a nice Ghanaian-who is now my friend-offered to help. It took everything in me not to cry. Just when I was beginning to doubt my potential to get around, find a taxi, find a hostel with zero understanding of Dutch, an African came to my rescue. I know I do not say this often...but "THANK GOD FOR AFRICANS!" He helped me figure out EVERYTHING! Took me where I needed to go...and when I offered to pay or buy him diner...he declined saying...."you were distressed...so I offered to help. I want nothing. Knowing you are okay is my payment. I know how hard it is to show up in a foreign land with no clue on what to do...someone helped me during my time...this is me, paying it forward :)."
DAY 2
Move in Day! I was very excited for my own place. I have a cozy mezzanine all to myself! My pocket suffers but its very well worth it :). I moved in at noon, at about 4pm, with very little progress on unpacking all my belongings, I decided to step outside my apartment for some fresh air and seeing as I had no friends, it would be wise to make friends and fast! If I had not stepped out right when I did, I would not have met my friend Martin. He's from Cheminitz, Germany. He came out to the terrace and I asked 'can I come speak to you (desperate measures huh?)?' He smiled and said 'yes.' Within 20 minutes of talking we had learned so much about each other! I found out that he was also studying for the MSc in Economics-although taking a different path (Economics and Geography, while I'll focus on Globalization and Development) but we still get to be in a couple of classes together. Sometime during the conversation, we touched on the bicycling culture in Utrecht. If you ever visit Utrecht, certain aspect of life, how people look/dress will become apparent. What is most obvious though is the need to own your own bicycle. Utrechters are especially skilled on a bicycle (Seriously they could be so easily be pro-cyclists! In Utrecht, you do not worry about being run over by a car, instead you worry about being killed by a cyclist. I have seen insanely fantastic scenarios like riding your bicycle (with no hands!!!) smoking a cigarette with the right hand and holding the phone to the ear with the left. As if this was not dangerous enough, one of the guys I witnessed doing this also had a friend sitting behind him. But talking about the cycling culture in Utrecht is deserving of another blog-I am tempted!).

~The bicycle Martin and I found...and still own

~Enroute to Zeist, Netherlands
Anyways, I 'shamingly' mentioned to Martin that I could not ride a bicycle and that I needed to learn how. The look on his face was priceless. He did not believe me. He was like 'show me, I need to see this!' We walked downstairs, he unlocked his bicycle and said 'drive.' It took about 5 seconds for him to realize my not knowing how to drive was no joke as I could not even get on the bicycle, talk-less of steadying it. After 3 hours of Martin attempting to teach me how to cycle whilst running behind me and holding the bicycle in efforts to keep me steady and prevent me from crashing into grass, I GOT IT! I drove!...He let me go without warning and I drove. I have gotten better everyday since then. I learn something new everyday. Three days after my riding lessons, I purchased my own bicycle (before this, Martin and I found a lonely bike-no one wanted to claim him-that sufficed). A couple of days ago, I drove with only one hand-(considering that I have only been driving for less than 2 weeks, this is a triumph!) :), although I still have nothing, when driving a bicycle is concerned of course, on the Dutch. Currently, I ride about 10-15 miles everyday :) and it is one heck of a workout!

(This picture was taken by my Spanish friend Ramon.)

DAY 3
Orientation Day! Orientation day was stressful as expected. Nothing made sense at first...but after 2 weeks of living in Utrecht, I am slowly beginning to get it! Registration was a hassel but I had friends just like me who were going through the same stress ...and this made me less stressed (fortunately, misery loves company) ;). After registration, it was time to head back to the apartment for a chill. I met up with Martin and Fred-(my favorite British friend who is an Oxford graduate :)), we made dinner together...ate, drank a few bottles of beer and chatted about life.

~Coffee Break

DAY 4 and Thereafter...
Classes begins! I most definitely had myself convinced that I worked really hard during my undergraduate years. I was delusional! Everything I did in undergrad is a piece of cake compared to what is expected of me here! The teaching methods are different. The educational standards are different. Oh boy! Thank Goodness I am adjusting quickly...although, I am still struggling with Econometrics :(. But I have this entire weekend to change that! Ideally, I am required to study at least 30 hours a week for each class, work with my group every other day, turn in a case study every week, perfect the act of working with STATA, and attend all of my tutorials-whether it rains or shines (and when it rains-which is just about everyday, it pours! Unfortunately, some of my classes are in the city center...so I am always drenched :( !).

~One of the most conspicuous building on campus

Apart from the sorry weather, Utrecht is absolutely stunning! The city center is surrounded by canals-which in turn, are adorned with bars, clubs, and restaurants! I have made amazing friends here. People are so diverse....it is beautiful. The other day, I met a guy from Estonia-second smallest country in the world! The night life is fantastic...and it is so easy to become addicted to beer in Utrecht. It makes no sense to have anything else...unless you are having an Irish Coffee of course! There's a bar here that has over 500 variety of beer to choose from...so I am on a mission (I had Banana Beer the other day and it was delicious!)! I do have to avoid getting a beer gut though...but I do not drink nearly enough for that and if I did, then I reckon that a minimum days' cycling of 10 miles should take care of it.

~Martin and I

City Center with Flavio and Fred :)

~Obviously, my photography skills suck (It's a work in progress...when I get better, I'll try again :))! But the three pictures below are of the Dom=Tallest building in the Netherlands (no joke!)

Utrecht is now my home-at least for the next year and I am loving every bit of it.There's so much more I want to say and have to blog about...but in due time. For now, I have to go to bed! Until later...remain blessed!

Bisous xxx

My Life In Three and Half Suitcases

2010-08-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

There is no metaphor to the title of this particular blog. It's very literal.

A couple of days ago, I packed my entire life...well the one I had made for my self in NYC into three massive 50-70 pounds suitcases and a carry on. Packing was very therapeutic for me, don't get me wrong, it was stressful, and my back still hurts from bending and hunching over for three straight days, but it was almost emotional. As I packed, I began to marvel about how many things I have. The first question that came to mind was "I moved to NY with two suitcases, how the heck did I accumulate this much in one year? Especially after I had given away a suitcase worth of things I wanted but did not need." Oh well! Since I could not come up with a grand answer...I'm just gonna have to cop out and blame it on being a girl ;).

Anyways, I reckon that I got emotional because it downed on me that I was really leaving. It was no longer a dream or one my future hopes and aspirations...it was real! Yes, I have to leave behind all that I know....(the closeness I feel to the city, the familiarity of life on this part of the world)...and delve into the unknown. And I have made peace with the fact that I may be frazzled, lonely, anxious, and I may feel like I have made the wrong decision by leaving everything I know behind....but I know...that I will be alright. I have to be. I have no choice really.

As my departure date nears...I have found that I have momentary burst of excitement for my future...and the promising unknown. So here's to the next phase :=) *******

And the Countdown Begins...

2010-08-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Soon....very soon, I shall be packing my bags and bading farewell to The United States of America (for a little while). And the closer I am to my departure date...the more nervous I become. Currently, my feelings and emotions are all over the place. One day I am excited...the next I am uncertain....I constantly ponder...am I doing the right thing...(although I know without an inch of doubt that I would be venturing into graduate school regardless of how I feel about it. But it never hurts to re-evaluate priorities)...right?

And at the end of every ponder session I have had...I have found peace with knowing that I am making this journey for me. However, I have very little time to worry about my priorities...there are more pressing issues..LIKE...

I need to shop! I have been shopping....and I am still shopping. It's awful! There's always something I need to get....more shoes...more everything...blah!

Currently, I have been worried about luggage allowances. Apparently, I am only allowed to check in one free luggage. I thought it was two!?! (Darn new policies!)....I have three huge bags to check in...we'll see how it goes...hopefully it's not so expensive!

So the countdown begins...all I hear these days...is the clock ticking...tic toc...tic toc....I need more time! Anybody...please?!?...I have so much to do...and a lot of people to see...more lunches...more dinners...but I have so little time. It's sad.

I'll be leaving behind....everything I know...everything that is familiar...(of course I'll keep in touch with my friends...(YAY for BBM, Skype, Email, and Facebook)...but it's not the same...as I'd be leaving my comfort zone...I will not get to see my friends as often as I'd like...but there are already plans on the way for a reunion... soon...we cannot stay away for too long :=)! On the other hand, I am also looking forward to making new friends...learning something new...actually a lot of new things...and meeting up with old friends that I have not seen in years.

There so much I think about....and a million and one of them makes sense to me but to you...? You'd probably think I was nuts if you heard a quater of the the things that crosses my mind everyday. There's something in the air though...it's like everyone around me is pondering their lives, decisions, and future. It's like an air-bone-mandatory-series-of-epiphanies.

Nevertheless....at the end of everyday...as I lay my head to rest...one thing remains constant...I think to myself..."Rejoice Chisom. This Phase is almost over...here is to the Next and New Phase of Perfect, Positive, and Profound Possibilities and Adventures. This is your time...another opportunity to be all you can be and a lot more."

Drafts

2010-08-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have various draft blogs...
                                            ...For some reason, I refuse to post them...
                                                                                                               ...I do not know why...
                                                 ...They don't feel quite right...
             ...The next stage of my life...
                                                           ...will soon begin...
                                                                                          ....nothing feels normal...
                                                   ...Uncertainty prevails...
        Comfort is non-existent...
                                               ...Excitement has become anxiety...
                                                                                                       ...Anxious has turned to nervous...
                                                       Yet hope lingers and persists.

CLOSURE

2010-07-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

Girl meets Boy...

Boy is stunning...beyond handsome...in fact...gorgeous.

Girl wonders...why me? Why did he pick me? He is too beautiful...too perfect...physically, emotionally, intellectually...in every way! This has to be a dream! Boy has goals, dreams, and aspirations that is beautiful music to Girl's ears...Girl lets down her guards...Girl begins to fall...

Girl meets Boy's friends...****She thinks...(This is great! I am meeting friends already! He must like me)...Girl gets positive feedback from Boy's friends...Girl is happy.

Girl meets Boy's family ***although rather quickly***....and falls in love with them...

Girl and Boy becomes serious...somewhat because Girl holds back...something did not feel right...something was not right. Girl flip-flops between giving in and holding back...Girl holds back...but eventually, Girl gives in.

Now, the drama begins...various abnormal situations and scenarios begin to surface...Girl tries to hold it together...Girl convinces herself and everyone else that she is okay...Girl breaks up with Boy...Boy is persistent...he wins Girl back...then life as Boy made Girl believe began to unfold...

******FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF*******

Denial and Isolation: Girl reasons..."As f*** up as this is...it cannot be true. I refuse to believe that everything was a lie! There is absolutely no way! There has to be a plausible explanation for this." Girl ponders...and waits to find the answers... and the reasons why...but the longer Girl waits, the farther away she withdraws from friends and social contacts...Girl becomes a borderline recluse...

Anger: Girl reasons..."How dare he! How dare he! How dare he! Why me! Why me!"

Bargaining: Day 1, Girl wakes up to that awful pain in her stomach...Day 13, that pain is still there...then she bargains..."God please, make it stop. I do not want to hurt anymore. Boy is undeserving of my tears and my pain. If I stop being angry with him, will you take away the pain?"

Depression: Girl becomes numb...to life, everything, and everyone. Girl can barely eat. Girl feels completely lifeless...although anger and sadness remains.

***Somewhere between Depression and Acceptance:* Girl begins to come to terms with the situation with Boy...Girl slowly let go of her anger...while holding on to the pain. Girl lets go of the anger and shame...Girl reaches out to friends...they come through...they listened to her rambles, they watched as she cried, they listened some more, and more, and more...Girl begins to feel better...The stomach ache lessens...and one morning...Girl realized....the pain was gone!

Acceptance: Girl realizes that Boy's behavior had no reflection of her as a person. Girl had nothing to be ashamed of. She reasons..."I gave it my all...I did the best that I could...and although it was not enough...I fully accept the reality of things...everything happens for a reason and yes...Sh** Happens!...but Life goes on!

Finding My Center

2010-07-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

If you have ever taken a Yoga class, you may find that the Instructor may ask you to "Find Your Center."

I normally take this phrase and apply it literally to my Yoga Sessions, I find my balance...to get ready for the complicated twists and turns my body is about to undergo. "Find your Center"...three simple words that when applied to our daily lives...can go a long way in making us WHOLE.

Why do I say this?

Over the past three weeks...I have been engaged in "Finding Myself". Although sometimes, it seemed like a never-ending journey as I constantly went over the same topics and images in my head. But maybe I needed to continuously and incessantly thread those paths before I could reach my resting point. I have been trying to find my center in the midst of chaos that surrounds my life. And on some days, I have been successful...on other days...I barely survived. And while I know that this quest I am on comes with its many 'ups' and 'downs,' I am quite thankful that this journey has it's fair share of daily and weekly lesson's.

What I have learned in the past three weeks:

Be not afraid of rejection. It might just set you free!
Forgive, completely so.
Love everything...Feel everything.
Never act out of fear...never!.

Lesson 1: Embracing rejection: This lesson come from years of blunders...in relationships, in friendships, in job hunt, in empirical living, and in life as a whole. My most vivid memory of being rejected was while I was job hunting right after I graduated from college. During this time, I faced multiple rejection in my quest to find a job. I began to lose confidence in myself and my interviewing skills. I often asked myself "Why am I being rejected? Does this mean that I am not good enough?" I was slowly becoming depressed...so I prayed; I was faithless...so I prayed some more; I neared breaking point...and right around when I thought I was going to throw in the towel...I got a job in NYC. Yes, God came through for me in the end...but what I failed to realize...not to tout my own horns, but I got to say...was a little thing called resilience. I never gave up...and I'd like to think that I held on long enough because I knew that giving up would be too easy. Besides, job hunting, I have also been rejected in other ways, by scholarship committee's (hehe), and friends. I am also sure that I have done my fair share of 'rejecting' in my lifetime. ..I mean at the end of the day...it's how we translate any events that transpire in our lives that matters. Regardless of interpretations, having being rejected I believe is one of the reasons why I know I can do anything I set my mind to. Because I view being rejected as another person telling me that "Today, you are not good enough." Translation?="Come back tomorrow and be the best!" Rejection is a wake up call...not a call to retreat or surrender.

Lesson2: Forgive, just because: Watching my friends...especially those in NYC and the lives they live, I marvel about the simplest additions I pick up from their daily interactions to supplement my life. I recently got acquainted with a little thing called "forgiveness." Prior to that day, I forgave people because I felt they were not worth my hatred. I'd think to myself..."why spend my precious time and energy worry/hating another...when they are definitely not thinking about my hatred for 'em?" Last week, during a long lunch break phone chat with an amazing friend...an idea was brought to my attention..."Why not forgive completely? Without any "whys" "if's", or "maybe's." Why not forgive just to forgive? We do not have to be best friends with those who have wronged us, we do not have to even associate with them...but we can truly forgive...just to forgive.

Lesson 3: Love completely...because it is going out of style! When it comes to loving...we must be willing to love everything about ourselves...even those things we are insecure about. We must be open-minded, accepting, and accommodating of others (even if we do not agree with the paths they are on), the things we do not understand, and most importantly, ourselves! The same goes for life...love life...love everything...how else would we recognize its hassles, stress, rubbish, joy, and beauty?

Lesson 4: Fear FEAR...do not let it into your life! Fear drives us to act irrationally. To question everything...to suspect everything and everyone. To worry and stress when we need not. Fear restrains us...it cripples us and as a consequence, we do not reach our zeniths. Fear is detrimental to our lives and health. Fear is pain...fear steals our joy. Fear leaves us unhappy. So fear FEAR, because the moment we begin to allow fear dictate our every move...we lose not only ourselves, but also our lives.

Finding My Center:

This would take a while. And I know there'd be potholes along the way...but I shall rise from every fall. I have to believe this. This year...I have been misled, deceived, lied to, taken advantage of. I have cried, neared depression, I have lost friends, dear friends and I do not even know the reasons why. I have had drama--plenty...a few may have been self-imposed and within my control but others were just beyond my control. I have taken friends, family, and myself for granted. I have regained trust in myself, friends, and family. I have learned the true value of friendship and family (and I will hold on to this knowledge forever). I know their worth. I have seen pain, anxiety, lonely days that I could not find a friend, but I have also experienced extreme joy, and peace (even if it was for a second). I have lost hope, regained hope, lost interest in life, and regained interest in life. I have come into myself, I have smiled, I have laughed wholeheartedly, I have sang, I have danced. I have made new friends, strengthened old and new friendships. I have learned to love myself, my demons, and my flaws. I have learned to accept the things I do not understand and the things that I cannot change. I have learned to really let sleeping dogs lie...and avoid any unnecessary stress within and beyond reach. I have also prayed more. In the first half of this year...it is safe to say...I have grown.

Between Dreams

2010-06-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

Five minutes ago, I accepted a fact about myself...

I am emotionally troubled...slightly so...there is a space between my dreams...

DETOX

2010-06-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

The next stage of my life is approaching and as such...I have to change certain aspects...both physically and mentally.

At the beginning of this year...I made a list of everything I wanted to accomplish...but I have been unfashionably late in reaching all of my goals. I am very much aware that the year has not ended...but the first half of the year is near end and I have not checked off even a quarter of all I set out to achieve.

As a consequence, it was only natural that I'd impose a schedule and deadline by which all on my list had to be crossed off...Thank God for my recent epiphany!

The first half of my year came with many negatives to say the least....but there were positives...plenty! But when life did not go as planned...I delved into a realm of negativity and doubt. Had it not been for my wonderful friends who put up with me in spite of myself...I most likely would have spiraled downhill...hence picking up myself would have been a hassle.

And although I have not nearly been through hell and hot water...I was however able to recognize...through the difficulties I endured....who my true friends are and more importantly, who I truly am. I have fallen in, out, and back in love with life and people...and I have made notable blunders along the way. But hey! That is the beauty of life...right?

To say the least...now, I can completely agree with John Lennon when he said that "life is what happens when we are busy making other plans." Because, it sure is!

As of January1st 2010, certain things were clear: And the two I thought of as most important were...

1) In September 2010, I will be attending the University of Barcelona with two amazing friends

2) I was going to be happy this year no matter what!

As of June 21st, 2010...I know for a fact that:

1) I will not be attending the University of Barcelona in September...I will be attending a more renowned University

2) I cannot force happiness...it is a journey...that of self-discovery...but never a place

To think that at the beginning of the year, I had a clear-cut idea/picture of what my life should/would be like...who my friends are/should be...boy!...Who was I kidding! A couple weeks ago, I had a soul-searching conversation with my friend Tati.... and of all the insightful words that came out of her mouth...the one that will forever stay with me is "Chisom, happiness is not a destination."

Prior to that conversation... I subconsciously viewed happiness as a place. A place where everything I intend to achieve has been crossed off my list...and if I did not get to that point...I could never be happy/fully content. Now I know different...I see happiness in a different light. Being happy is an everyday journey. A one day at a time travel. And yes...life may hand me lemons...all there'd be left to do on my part...would be to make lemonades and add a splash of Vodka! I know that an insignificant percentage of my life...depends on what happens to me...the significant part of my life will depend on how I react to life's surprises.

Ever since I read the quote "I may not have gone where I intended to go...but I think I have ended up where I needed to be" by Douglas Adams, I have been in love with it. And although, I always had an idea of what it meant...it was only recently that I began to see how it unfolded in my life... and my entire existence on earth. I was put here for a purpose...a purpose only I can attain...although as of now...I do not know what it is...'My life has an amazing cast...I am yet to figure out the plot..."

But I know that my attitude towards life matters. I have to keep that in mind...and so should you! Fortunately for life, I am pretty much ready for it...I am undergoing a DETOX! Henceforth...Out goes all of life's rubbish! Here's to the next stage of pure positives!

Sure, the journey has only just begun and adventures awaits and uncertainty lingers...I am hopeful as always for life's many wonders.

"Take the Bull by The Horn"...

2010-06-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

...A very simple concept...but in practice?

In my case...I have been trying to adhere to this simple idea...but in the past few months...I have neither failed nor excelled in this quest.

So now, I really need to attack..head in....I need to continue in my rituals that I have so easily neglected...rituals that keep me sane...like blogging, running, sleeping, and eating right.

So now, I am determined to get back on track....take the bull by the horns...so to say and remain fabulous at my job...as I only have two months left before graduate school begins ;-).

So Much to Do

2010-06-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

The devil has a way to make beautiful things complicated. One minute, one might be excited about something amazing like...getting into Harvard/Oxford/Cambridge/LSE/Columbia/Utrecht/UCL/UVA/Cornell, and a little while after the initial happiness has subsided, reality sets in. A lot of different obstacles may form...one of which may be how to pay the tuition...which is normally a large sum... in such a short period of time.

In so many ways, this is currently my predicament. I have thought about every possible way to secure the money I need for tuition...(as I have to attend...I seriously believe my life will end if I do not attend this university...hehe j/k)....and a lot of those thoughts have been wishful thinking but...still it does not hurt to dream/wish/believe.

Luckily, if one believes in the power of will, then the entire universe will form to make sure that your will...if it is good...be done. So, I will be attending graduate school in the Fall after-all (I have more money to raise but I am hopeful I will), to study for an MSc. in Economics where my concentration will be International Economics and Business.

Currently, while I am slightly overwhelmed with all that has to be done...I am even more petrified of the syllabus that I have received...3 month in advance. I was notified...when I received my admission letter that it was imperative that I read two textbooks by the time classes begin. I scanned through the first few pages of one of the two textbooks and I was very intimidated to say the least...by the numbers and the language in which the text is written. I have not began to take graduate classes yet but I am starting to realize that this would by no means, be a walk in the park...more like a marathon in a very short sprint.

Oh well...reality is setting in once again....hence...many things to do:

I have to apartment hunt in Europe all the way from the USA...and pay the 1st and last months deposit (hopefully it would be a breeze...right?)
I also have to read this very intimidating textbooks, in its entirety...wish me luck.
Learn to ride a bicycle...I will be needing one to get around.
Secure a job in research...not only for the experience but also for the extra change.
Do all of this in the two months before classes begin, while remembering to be absolutely fabulous at my job....so much to do...so little time.

To my dear readers:
I hope all is well with y'all...and I pray that your heart desires be met.

Overwhelmed

2010-05-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

If I had to describe my life and daily schedule for the past month....the word "Overwhelmed" is fitting.

I am in a little bit of a rumble...between getting ready for graduate school....reading required textbooks, filling out necessary applications/documents, getting a new passport, trying to acquire funding for tuition....and everything else in-between...I am nervous, anxious, scared, unsure....gosh...!!!

Work had not been easy either...as I have near deadlines with so little time.

It's been almost impossible to go about my daily life...keeping in touch with friends (phone calls, dinners, outings...), blogging, and taking-in life... but I guess all that can wait. Hopefully in the next month, I will get a breather as I am optimistic that by that time...all my worries will have disappeared.

I am very hopeful that everything will work out...it has to! I mean God does not give us more than we can handle... right?

Fingers crossed... xxxx...

Going Back to My Roots

2010-05-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I traveled back to Mississippi to attend the graduation ceremony of some of my best friends. They, just like me, are now proud alumnus of the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss). My going back to Oxford, MS, was very therapeutic. My visit took my back to the place where it all began. The place where I came into me, where I found myself, goals, and aspirations.

On my train ride home from work today, I was thinking about writing this blog. I was trying to decide which angle to approach this subject from...and a quote came to mind...the one by Nelson Mandela...that reads... "There's nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." True to this quote...The University of Mississippi and the city of Oxford, remains exactly the way I left it a year ago (but for a few minor improvements here and there). The people, culture, and way of life, are the still the same...but while it remains the same...it is not...(currently...for a lack of better word)...stagnant. And although for the most part, Ole Miss remains unchanged...and I have found many ways in which I have transformed...I am 100 percent sure that Ole Miss is one of the main factors for my alterations.

Various elements throughout my life made me who I am today. From growing up in Nigeria, being raised by the most amazing woman/mother in the world.... to attending Ole Miss and the Croft Institute for International Studies...and making some of the most amazing friends...that I will forever keep in my life.

Ole Miss made me. In the area of academics...the Economics program I graduate from taught me everything I know about Economics and how the world functions around it. The Croft Institute where I focused on Global Economics and Business with an European concentration...broke me into bits and slowly formed me into the open-minded, circumspect self-thinker I believe I am today. I also have to say...just because ;-)...Croft is an amazing institute...(It's hard...only the fittest survive, and I take great pride from being a Croft graduate...)...during my time in that institute...I met a lot of people...who...without a doubt...will become some of the world's greatest minds. It was at Ole Miss that I had my first real grown-up relationship. It was at Ole Miss that I had my heart broken many times ;-), it was at Ole Miss that I met some of my best friends. It was at Ole Miss that I experienced life....and those experiences stay with me...everyday...and have shaped me into the person I know I am meant to be and will some day become.

There was something relaxing about being back...the quiet, the clean air, the trees, the beautiful landscape, the people...the food...God...the FOOD...the sameness that makes life changing differences...

In closing,...to quote a fellow Rebel, Frank Everett Jr., a University of Mississippi alumnus, described best what students at the University refer to as 'Ole Miss' when he said, 'There is a valid distinction between the University of Mississippi and Ole Miss even though the separate threads are closely interwoven. The University is buildings, trees, and people. Ole Miss is a mood, emotion, and personality. One is physical, and the other is spiritual. One is tangible, and the other is intangible. The University is respected, but Ole Miss is loved. The University gives a diploma and regretfully terminates tenure, but one never graduates from Ole Miss.'

So here it goes...I am a Rebel and a Croftie. I take pride in it. I am...Ole Miss.

The Pain Within

2010-04-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

One of those days when pain comes alive] Suppressed memories awakens] Buried scars resurfaces}

Beneath every rationale] The question why remains] Why me? Why my worth? Why my innocence?}

Why my sanity?] Why me.....?] Suppress as I may...scars buried from within...memories blocked out}

Pain is ever present] Might serve as a constant reminder of triumph] Yet, unable to comprehend}

The reasons why and how] Why it happened] Why I let it happen] How momma could not have known}

How no one noticed the drastic change] Why I still cannot tell] Why I find it impossible to feel, to let myself feel] Why nightmares still keep me up at night}

Trying not to be angry with God] But Why? Why? Why?] How? How? How?}

I was five] I was six] I was eight] I was ten] I was eleven] I was thirteen] I was innocent}

One of those days when painful memories come alive...this too...shall pass.

Everyday

2010-04-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Through...
The silence of a heartbeat
The music of the rain
The volume of a thunder storm
I yearned for the stillness of a moment

My...
Existence had been characterized by solitude
Feelings buried inside below the pit of my soul
Emotions dying to explode
Yet I found it impossible to translate...to be estatically happy... yet profoundly me

Every...
Morning when the sun rose...I said to myself "Today is the Day"
Next morning...at sun rise...I proclaimed "Today is the Day"
So I waited...every morning at sunrise...I waited...I proclaimed
One morning...at sunrise...I proclaimed...and so it was

That was the Day...where Every Day that followed was the Day

Perfecting my Flaws

2010-04-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Warning: Some words/languages used in this blog entry may be disagreeable to some people.
***********************************************************************************

THEN: I was obstinate, secretive if I did not trust people, very resentful when crossed. I said exactly what I thought the moment the thought passed through me. I was blunt to a fault...sometimes, I'd hurt people's feelings without realizing that I did. I was utterly vindictive...it was not pretty. I was ambitious...overly so...I was overly protective of the people I love...I'd cut someone for real ;). I was sarcastic...I took all of life's disappointment with a grain of salt.

I was often mischievous...okay maybe really...I could had been a private investigator...easily so...I was very judgmental...if there was a slight fault, I'd find it. I had to have my way...in everything..."I'm right! You are soooo wrong"!...If and when I wanted something...I mean anything....I had to have it...and I always got it (with no regard or consideration to the cost, who I hurt, who I trample upon...."who the f*^% cares!?"...not me!").

Sometimes, I'd shut the world away and retrieve into my little cocoon...I had a lot of friends...but had no problem cutting people off...I had a good relationship with all of my exes and I held no grudges against any of them (although I always thought that the reason we broke up was because they did not have their acts together). I loved Games and I played hard...and I thought I always won :)...

I had little tolerance for "bull-shit," I could not tolerate fake people. I found it exceptionally hard to pretend or hide my feelings (when I did not like a person, they knew. I was never confrontational, but I chose not to speak in anyway, form or means)...I was a compulsive learner ("if Person 'A' can do it...who the heck are my not to be able to....watch me!"). I did not adhere to rules (why conform?)...

Chances are that the first time you met me without "us" speaking to each other, you did not like me...(I had been told that I came off as a major snob) and I did not care...think whatever the heck you want!....I kept a lot of emotions bottled up (maybe if I did not think of it, it would disappear...I thought)...I resented weakness in myself...I only saw things in black and white...I rarely ever allowed people to see ME, because I was afraid they would not be able to handle all that I was...

*******************************************************
NOW: I know my flaws...and I am working on making them better. I am still obstinate...still secretive if there is no trust...mildly resentful when crossed...still blunt but no longer to a fault (I am mindful of how my words might affect people...I am better aware). I am no longer vindictive..it's petty...as it is not admirable. Still ambitious...even more so...crazily protective of loved ones...will still cut somebody for real :). Still sarcastic....still have the "shit happens" attitude towards life.

I am mischievous...sweetly so...can still be a private investigator if I wanted but I do not care about that anymore...I am no longer judgmental (I have worked hard and long to get to this point) and if there are faults in people, I ignore it... sometimes I do not even notice...because I do not care to look for 'em...I search for the good...and if there is a good...I will find it ;)...I no longer need to have my way in everything...in fact, I love and need a "run for my money"...("I am not always right...I'm wrong sometimes....and you are sooo right!")...I no longer feel a need to have everything I want (but to be honest...I mean there are certain things I still just have to have :-)...and if it's a beautiful dress who cares what it costs ;-)?...)...these days, I have learned to trade the things I really want for the things I really need (while carefully considering the cost, and I no longer trample... I care!...(somebody's growing up huh? ;) )...

Sometimes, I still shut the world away and retrieve in my shell...I have a few good friends that I love dearly...I'd probably miss one of them if I ever had to cut them off...I still have no problem cutting malicious folks off though. I have a good relationship with most of my exes, I still hold no grudges against any of them (now I think maybe we both did not have our acts together...truth be told, it is always a two way street, I had my faults, they had theirs). I find Games unnecessary...sometimes insulting to me as a person...I show people who I am...with all my cards on the table...as long as I stay true to myself...

I am deathly allergic to "bull-shit," and I am learning to tolerate fake people (but my philosophy in this regard is: if you are 'a Bitch, an @sshole, a Douche Bag, Promiscuous, Jealous, Nice, Circumspect, Caring, Evil, Antagonistic...etc" be exactly that (if you want to improve yourself...do so...but never pretend to be who you are not), own your CRAFT and make no apologies for it...I will accept you for exactly who you are and respect you for it). I am an avid learner ( "if it can be done, I'll do it, if it has never been done, I'll try!')...I no longer break all the rules...just the one's that tell me that "I cannot" (because I darn well can!)...

The first time you meet me, I may come off as a snob...but I make an effort to speak, and I do so sincerely without any hidden agenda's...and you may just fall in love with me after ;). I no longer keep my emotions bottled up...I share my feeling with my dearest friends...who understand my many metamorphosis...I no longer resent weakness in myself...I instead work those weaknesses into strengths...I see things in black, white, and multiple shades of gray :). I show people WHO I am...from the beginning...if they cannot handle all that I am...then I guess we were not meant to be friends...

In essence, I never follow where the path leads. I go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. I am obsessive, obstinate, secretive, determined, forceful (always effective, never aggressive), emotional (but not naive), intuitive, powerful (but never a predator), confident (but never conceited), passionate (but never over-bearing), exciting, magnetic, and beautiful (you are too!), did I also mention that I really do want "World Peace?" but not in the beauty pageant kind of way (no offense intended) ;). I have mastered my CRAFT...no apologies. I know only one way to live: On my own terms.
***********************************************************************************

ADDITIONALLY: In a quest to perfect my flaws, I began to realize certain things about myself that could be polished into strengths...I still have many flaws...to write them all down...I would have to write a book :)! But I am better aware of who I am as a person...and how others are affected by my personality (actions). I am nice to people and I speak to everyone...no one is beneath me...every time I get to meet somebody new, I see an opportunity to educate myself, to learn something profoundly new...good or bad. In one of my previous blogs, I promised myself to make peace with people I am at odds with...(because come to think of it, the reason we are at a beef escapes me...which shows how irrelevant and dispensable it was)...although it is not going as easily as I planned (as some people are easier to apologize to than others...). In the past two weeks, I have managed to have "peace talks" with three of them...maybe about two more to go (maybe 5 ;-)...I have to seriously think...hehe)...I will continue working on making amends...

Anywhooos...In my own rights, I believe that I have perfected my flaws (don't get me wrong, because they are still very much FLAWS...but what the heck!?! :))...I never take the easy route...I am more fascinated by the unknown..."what is hidden is more interesting than the obvious"...while some might find some of the flaws I possess major...I think they are minimal as it is all a work in progress...I am living life everyday...with a passion to learn new things while trying to improve the person I see in the mirror ...I remain excited for the future.

Currently

2010-04-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

There is something about the calmness of the cold that refreshes me. I am out in my balcony contemplating my life. It feels like I keep waiting for my life to begin...but this is my life...every decision I make today...affects my tomorrow.

After a month of being very busy with work and making little or no progress with the other "stuff" in my life and with deadlines so near, I needed a breather to re-evaluate the direction my life's heading. This month is going to be another busy month for me at the United Nations...especially with the United Nations Parmanent Conference on Indigenous Issues (UNPFII) coming up.

But besides work...I currently miss my mother...my rock, my life. Words can never explain how much I love my mother...my muse...my inspiration. I miss my sisters...one of whom I have not seen in person (we skype often:)) in five years. I miss my brother...I miss my dad...I wish we were closer.

Presently, there is so much I would like to do...that I cannot...when will that phase of my life begin...?

I wish I could apologize to everyone I have ever wronged...as I am no saint...those I may have lied to, hurt or misled...I want to, I need to...and I will...

I am begining to realize how petty the things I did in the state of rage or anger are...as they are no longer significant. Now I ask myself...why did I do that? Why did I break? Why did I stoop that low? I used to be a sucker for payback...did not matter how “dirty" I had to get...I am better about that...I am working on becoming a better person...

I am excited for tomorrow...for the future...I am even more excited that I am about to become an AUNT...God is great!

I am especially thankful for my sister, Chioma...she saves my life everyday...and everday...I see her grow a little into the woman I know she is meant to be.

I am thankful for all of my amazing friends...who know me inside-out, flaws and all, and love me still. I am thankful for new friends...I hope we become better friends...I hope they remain in my life...

According to him...I am irreplaceable...I am falling in love...over and over again...

Currently, my life does not seem so bad...this is the best I have ever felt...I am thankful to God...in pain and sorrow...in happiness and joy...for my life...for my family...for my friends...for the world...for preserving us...

Everyday in the past year...I have slowly come into myself...and I continue to make progress as my destiny is bright. Like standing in the rain, water trickling down my spine, my life is piecing together, everything is becoming clearer...there are many unknowns...but my world is coming together and making sense.

Welcome to my Truth

2010-04-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

I believe in the power of self, in the power of change, in the power of hope, and in power of words.

A few weeks ago, while having dinner with friends, we stumbled on the topic of how to impact change in the countinents we were most passionate about and in so doing...impact a change in the world. While we were all on accord on the notion that we needed to establish an organization that would enable us acheive our goals...one of my friends brought up an argument that is note-worthy. She argued that she did not just want to be just another non-profit organization that implemented change on the communal or national level. Instead she wanted to go head-in...she wanted to create a positive revolution on a massive scale.

This conversation hit home for me...and had me questioning the length and breadth of impact I wanted and needed to see in the world...and my role in this movement. And then I wondered....in an ideal world...I want world peace...I want a world where no one is left hungry...where everyone had access to healthcare, and all of life´s necessities. But then I questioned...the reality of my dream...drawing from my economics background...it seems that for any economy to flourish, there has to be the wealthy, the middle class, and the poor. Like a balancing factor...afterall...there is no free lunch...somebody, somewhere...pays.

With this notion in mind...I realized that actually, I am not fishing for everyone in the world to be equal in wealth...but I am hoping that the impoevrished around the world are elevated from abject poverty...that they rise below poverty lines to a point where they can fend for their families...without hardship. I dream of a world where everyone who is willing gets the best quality education.

What is so wrong with this dream? The only thing that would be wrong is if I do not do all that I am able to acheive this seemingly unrealistic dream. I will work everyday...from the bottom-up...begining where I can until my days end. I always remind myself...and those who doubt me...that the most amazing things...the most incredible inventions...the life changing movements... always seemed impossible until it was done.

On the topic of my life goals...someone recently asked me “who are you to want to make a difference...do you not think that other people have this idea...that they want to see the same changes in the world as you do? But they have come to find that there are certain limitations...the changes you wish and hope for...is impossible." My reply to him was...“ the question here should not be who am I to want to make a difference...the question here should be...who I am to not want to make a difference." Good thing I resent limitations...I continually push myself...if it can be done...I will do it! If it has never been done...I will try...I must try!

People always forget...that change takes time...(Just like some people expected President Obama to perform miracles and solve all their problems the second he got into office). Change is not that simple...it starts out small...often goes unnoticed...but its there...ever present...and in time...it spread above the heavens.

There was a time in America when Black people where not allowed to ride in the same buses as white people....and a little while after...they could ride in the same buses but they would have to sit in the Back of the bus...and then...a notable African American woman (and she was probably not the first to try this “insanely impossible thing“) by the name of Rosa Parks defied odds...putting her life and everything she had on the line to effect change...today...Blacks ride on the bus...and they seat wherever they want...

There was a time at the University of Mississippi “OleMiss“, my Alma Mater...when Blacks could not attend...then came a man by the name of James Meredith...I graduated from OleMiss with two Bachelors degrees...I am Black...

In South Africa...in the time Apartheid...to be Black was like a disease...and then came a man by the name of Nelson Mandela...who went to jail fighting for what he believed in...although it seemed impossible...he rose from an inmate to become the President...and he impacted the S.A we know today...

There was a time when Africans traded their fellow Africans to become slaves in the West for money... there was a time when human beings were legally slaves to their fellow human beings...there was a time when we were not equal...and yes maybe we are still not all completely equal...but do not forget the steps we have taken away from the lowest low...now we are moving forward...slowly...but surely. They say the journey of a million steps begins with one...

There was a time when Nigeria was ruled by a dictator...when there was no freedom of speech or press...yes we still have our many problems...poverty and corruption still exists...but we currently have a democractic regime...

Who would have thought or ever conceived the notion that one day...a West African country will elect a woman as president? On January 16, 2006, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf was sworn in as the president of Liberia, carving her name in history as the first female Head of State in Africa...

After the devasting earthquake in Haiti...somebody survived...after 28days of being buried underground...without food or water....the power of will...

I never dwell on the negatives...because they are many...I dwell on the few positives...because they have potential to grow...greatness can be acheived...life is a climb but the view is great.

This entry is not a preach because I know...I believe that change is here...the question is....are you a part of it? The thing about change is that it can come from different people in different fields and in different walks of life. Change is made from the power of many...but only when those powers come together...can they do the impossible...because they become the power of one.

I believe in the power of change...I believe in the power of will...I believe in the power of perseverance and resilence...I believe in the power of hope...

Yes I am an optimist...yes I am hopeful...and yes I will acheive...I MUST ACHEIVE ALL THAT I WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. I may be an idealist...but I know reality. And I know that it is possible! I will go beyond the norm...I am my own judge...the verdict is up to me!

I will end this blog...by leaving you with a quote by Marianne Williamson that most inspires me in this regard...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

Slacking Off

2010-04-09T04:48:00.000-07:00

I have had little time for myself...yet alone time to blog over the past two months. I thought life would be back to a normal pace after the Beijing+15 Conference in March but I have a couple other conferences coming up as well. This month it´s the United Nations Parmenent Conference on Indigenous Issues (UNPFII) and every month for the rest of this year there is a conference aimed at impacting change that I am fortunate enough to be a part of.

With this said...my purpose for writing this blog is that I know for a fact that I would never have enough time in a day as I would like but I am determined to make sometime for blogging and my personal life outside of work. Over the past two months...I have gathered up a lot to say...so you will be hearing from me often...no more slacking off or cup-out blog entries on my part...no more excuses on being busy...heck the whole world is busy! Time to be a good friend...so no more cancellations on friends. Because if I continue on this track...I may just loose all of my friends and alienate people. So I am making a promise to myself to be a better friend and atleast have one blog entry every forthnight :).

I am currently working on my next blog entry... :).

A HANDICAP OF DEFINITION (Part II)

2010-03-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

In the Spring Semester of 2006, I came back from the Christmas break feeling like Heaven and eager to immerse myself in college. Soon thereafter, I was invited to a Black, Feminism, and Racial issues forum (...not quite sure about the name but it was something of that nature), at that forum, I became acquainted with the "Handicap of Definition." Anyways, I began to understand the new kind of demographic that was evolving. Being of a certain color only mattered in the broader sense, as Black was Black. But within the Black, White, Mixed,...etc... sects, there were different dynamics required to qualify into certain groups.

In my college freshman English class, I learned that a handicap of definition denotes certain qualifications. For example, to be Black in America, one might be expected to excel in sports but not necessarily in academics...and any aberration from that stereotype, connotes superior human qualities...well something like that. To be white in America, one might be expected to make average or above average grades in college, but it is not quite expected to be a super-human athlete or an amazing dancer. Some argued that certain physical and intuitive characteristics are attributed to racial heritage...and genes.

This might be a stretch and maybe a little bit controversial, but society has instilled in us that there are certain attributes that come with being of a certain race. If you walk into a club, and there is a "white" girl who knows how to move, chances are that someone would think "wow, look at that white girl owning the dance floor as though she were black." This ever present reality constantly confuses me and leads me to ask... What is Black? What is White?

In my near five years of consistent living in America, I have come to find a completely different culture...a few of which I comprehend...and for the other ideologies that I am yet to grasp, I am working on understanding the different dynamics on my own terms...without influence from society.

And although while in college, I briefly failed in my promise to "always see people as they are...with no bearing on race..." I am now on the right track. If anything, it made me realize that I was and am not immune to society and it many fangs. I know who I am as a person, woman, and African and I need not fit into a particular box and I actually do not. I am an individual and I have my own identity. Not that of a group....just mine...there are no handicaps that define me.

A HANDICAP OF DEFINITION (Part I)

2010-03-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

SKIN. What comes to mind when you think about the definition of your skin? People do not perceive us based on the luminosity or smoothness of our skin. Chances are the first time we see someone, the first thing ingrained in our mind is their appearance, hence, the color of their skin and the clothes they have on.

Right around when I was leaving from Nigeria to America to attend university at OleMiss, I was oblivious to the realities of my skin color. The weekend before my Wednesday flight to Memphis, Tennessee, I went with my mother to the country club we are a member of, to say bye to some family friends. Every one was happy for me that I was beginning the next chapter of my life and when I told them that I would be attending the University of Mississippi, everyone had a valuable advice to give.

The one question everyone was interested in having answered by me, was....why Mississippi? Unaware of the underlying question beneath the actual obvious question, I answered... `well, it is a pretty good school, the business school is well recognized, and the International Studies program (The Croft Institute for International Studies) ranks 2nd in the country (against schools like Harvard, Yale, John Hopkins--which ranks 1st-- American University and such). And again, I got the question...but why Mississippi? And then I asked... why not? And soon after I asked that question, I got an answer. `But you are "Black." Do you not know about the history of racism, how will you fit in, especially if your school is predominantly "White"?" I did not quite understand just then.

Mind you....although this might seem ignorant...I had never thought of myself or others as Black. I ascribed a definition to people based on their nationalities or tribes. If I met an American, Black, White, or Orange, I would ascribe the term "American" to all of them. The same goes for Canadians, the British, Italians, Ghanaians, Yoruba's, Igbo's, Hausa's...etc. I was color blind (which might have resulted from the fact that I grew up amongst every race as my mother had a lot of friends who were expatriates working in Nigeria).

When I got to Memphis International Airport... I thought to myself, "how bad can this be?" But on the ride to Mississippi, I realized something... all I saw were trees. I asked the guy that picked my sister and I up from the airport...." where are we going, isn't this supposed to be America, where is civilization?" And he smiled. You see I had visited America prior to my arrival in Memphis...but I had gone to New York, D.C, New Jersey, California...you know... the big cities. And I sorta assumed that every other state in the U.S would be the same...skyscrapers and all. Boy was I wrong! After an hour and half drive, we arrived in Oxford, Mississippi. It was a pretty nice town, where life was slower. Nothing like Lagos, Nigeria, or New York city. At first, I did not quite know what to make of this drastic change from what I was used to. It took a few weeks to accept my reality and then I delved right in. I was placed in an "International Students" dormitory, and that helped my adjustment. Everyone was just like me, in a foreign place, looking to make friends... and fast! I made some of the best friends I have today, there, in Guess Hall. Whenever my friends and I would get together for brunch, it was like a United Nations of the world. Folks from different nationalities, with multiple accents. It was a blast! I actually began to fall in love with the slowness of life. Let me tell you this, you will meet some of the nicest people in the world, in Oxford, Mississippi. Everyone says Hi, whether or not they know you. People will go out of their way, to help you...a trait that is quite rare in a big city.

Anyways back to the subject matter, I went by two months living the life I was used to, where people were just people...and then, I was jolted to reality. I worked as a desk receptionist...unknown to my mother who was very clear of what was expected of me (Do not work, she said, just go to school, make A's and I will take care of the rest".... ahh my sweet mother!). But I had extra time on my hands and I figured I could make extra change doing the easiest job possible. On one of those days, while sitting at the front desk, studying/working for six dollars an hour, a girl walked in, waiting the arrival of her friend, who was a resident of the dorm where I worked ( so I could check them in). We got talking, and she proceeded to tell me that she had seen me around campus. She asked where I was from as I have an accent, and I said, Nigeria. And then she said, "oh now I see, you dress different, and "walk" with White people, you are not really Black. Mind you, the girl in question was African American, hence, Black. Surprised at her comment, I asked her why she thought so. She said, well you are just different, you speak differently from 'US,' I mean you are so proper and use correct grammar, your demeanor is different, you are just ...well different! Taken aback by her comment, I asked, "what is Black? Because it seems that from your description, to be Black, I have to be loud, speak incorrect English, and roll with Black folks." I also asked her what I needed to wear to be considered Black. As expected, she had no argument...as she just said, "you would not understand. It is a culture thing."

At this point, her friend had gotten to the lobby and joined the conversation. She agreed that I was different but I would not be able to understand their reasoning behind this. So I proceeded to explain to them my then work-in-progress-idea of the definition of Black. I said, " well in that case, it is safe to assume that I am blacker than the two of you, as I am African, born and bred...and Black" This conversation went on and on with no clear direction and then it ended. When I got off work, I met up with my African friends, and told them about my conversation with both girls. Most of them being "fresh meat" like I was, could not understand...just like me...and we laughed it off. But then another friend, who was African but had lived in Mississippi for about 13 years at the time, told us that the divide between races and culture existed. He said that in a few months we would be able to see the difference between Black and White... and that a whole new demographic had been incorporated. One would not necessarily qualify based on the color of their skin...it went as deep as way of life, mannerism and such. At that point, I swore to never let myself to see the colors "Black" or "White"...I was only going to see people...

Fast forward to a few weeks after: One day, I was having a conversation with my friend and she was telling me about a guy she had just met... and I asked, "what RACE is he?" At that moment, I did not realized what I had just said, but when I got off the phone, I thought about the conversation, and felt awful...I was extremely disappointed in myself. I saw color, I had become a statistic. I did not ask about his personality, what he studied, how he treated her. All I cared about was his race, which was probably a way to self-decide what kind of a person he was...or to ascribe him to an already defined stereotype.

To be Continued...

Busy Busy Busy

2010-03-04T09:03:00.000-08:00

So I thought I'd briefly share my life this past week with y'all. Life has been so hectic lately. I have not been able to blog because of the Beijing + 15 Conference currently on this week and through next week. I could barely catch a break last week, because we were preparing for the conference and this week has been crazy as well. Shuttling between the United Nations and my office, as cool as that may be, is also time consuming and physically draining. As a result, I have been a little behind on my blogging.

I have also been awful about keeping in touch lately. I am normally hardly ever on facebook, and presently, almost never on facebook and I know I have messages piling. Sometimes I hope that my friends don't hate me and that they'd understand that I am just stressed and the past month has been exhausting, because of either how crazy my schedule is or how disorganized I am letting my life get (as I always need more time. The other day, I wished there were 25hrs a day). Nonetheless, being busy should never be an excuse to acknowledge people and keep in touch with friends. I knew I had it bad when I forgot to say Happy Birthday to one of my friends. The thing is, he is one of those friends, that I should never forget his b-day (although I did not forget, it just skipped my mind to call or text). So, I guess I have tons of people to apologize to. Ooops.

So writing this is slightly a cup-out. Ha ha. And is partly directed at my friends who visit my blog, please Forgive Me?!?!? Preettty Please? I promise to be a better friend.

Anyways, this busy trend in my life will most likely go on until the end of next week when the Beijing + 15 conference wraps up. Overall, the conference has been exciting, educative, and a mirror to the realities of the world and the issues that this conference seeks to resolve. I have met some of the world's most amazing people and people who are activists in various humanitarian, human rights, and social issues field. People who I aspire to be like :).

I will write a more detailed blog about my experience during this conference soon.

Y'all stay well and remain blessed! :)

De moi à vous

2010-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Hate is easy, but love takes courage.You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You're just naked. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust them not to hurt you...

Imagine This Concept

2010-02-13T13:48:00.000-08:00

While walking to the train station on my way to work yesterday, I began to contemplate the reality of life. I often digress in thoughts as I do with words....but yesterday was slightly different. I imagined the human existence as a movie. And other "superior" beings out there were watching our lives for their entertainment. For those of us that have lived a few years on this earth, it would have just beeen a second for them in the theatre, sitting with pop corns and watching eagerly for the next scene. They'd critic our lives after every chapter, while waiting for the next chapters to unfold. I wondered whether or not our life's realities and world threatening current and impending disasters like Global Warming were twists 'they' incorporated in the "Earth Script" to mirror how WE, as actors, would combat these situations. The only thing they cannot 'mess' with is FREEWILL.

Anyways, I figured that they must be running out of ideas...as WE always COME BACK stronger... which makes us HUMAN, and them... merely 'non-human' observers. But then I asked myself... that if for some insane reason this concept were true, how would they see each and every one of US. What would they say about our lives and decisions? How would we like them to perceive us? (There is something miraculous about living our lives as though someone were watching... this insane concept might encourage me to live everyday the best way I can. As though it were a test, and I would receive a grade at the end of the semester.) But again, I wondered...if they are watching us, then, who is watching them watch us?

But setting aside all of my ridiculous reasoning, the reality of life is that... even though to "our conceptual observers", our lives are merely movies... to US, they are very much real. And we do our best. And who cares what the world thinks/or what our observers think? Personally, for the most part of my life that I can remember and on the issues that most matters to me, it has been 8030 days since I last cared about what folks think. Caring about what people think about us, would bring nothing but heartache. It deprives the mind of the privilege to self-think, and self-accept. In my opinion, caring about how people see us, rids us of our individuality. Because we fear to be different because we may not be accepted... and we tend to please others... while hurting ourselves.

I am writing this blog, not because I stumbled on an ingenious idea or came across a concept that has not been previously conceived, I am writing this blog, because I know that as human beings, there is no obstacle we cannot overcome. We all know about the power of the human will...the will to live, the will to succeed...(to survive)...the will to make the inconceivable, Reality...and the will to defy limitations...like traveling to the moon or the concept of roads in the sky (hence, the invention of the airplane). We can and will overcome anything and everything, but only if we want. And it is actually quite easy... because living our best and realest lives (considering the resources at our disposal of course, as everyone has a different story and situation) is within reach :). But mind you, it is not so much as who we are underneath it all (like our good intentions and such, that are never made manifest), nor our life circumstances, upbringing, or present reality, but what we do with life and its many realities, that defines us.

The power of Words

2010-02-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

We are well into the New Year, and I still find myself making resolutions. I yearn to be a better person. I find myself burdened with the need to help others. At my job, I do my best, in my own little way. At the organizations I volunteer with, I also help. But I cannot help but wonder what more to do. I have been dubbed a hard-core volunteering maniac, I volunteer because I know no other way to quench the hunger inside of me to make a difference.

There is so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve, so much I need to do, so much I need to achieve. Often times, my dreams scare me. Sometimes, they interfere with my reality. I ask myself, is this possible? Can I reach this goal? I dabble into many interests that at the end of the day, turns up very much inter-connected. I want to study International Economics and Business, Development and Gender Studies, Anthropology and Identity Politics, International and Development Economics, Conflict and Human Rights Studies, and International Law and Politics. I want to work for a non-profit, I need to establish a non-profit, I need to do "something" for women, especially those in Africa. I need to make sure that every child has a bed to rest their head at night. I want to build an orphanage, that I would personally oversee. I need to build a little "country" for children who have no home, I want to build a school that would be open to every child free of charge. I want to create a scholarship system that would sponsor any child to study anywhere in the world. I need to discover an economic development model that would alleviate Africa from her many woes, a model that is not only realistic but also sustainable. I want to piss those people off who take advantage of the law, the failures of capitalism and globalization. I want to expose them, maybe that way, I can save a village, maybe a state. I want to expose the failures of society...especially that one that tellls me "Chisom, you are a woman, why are you trying to do a man's job. The one that would feel better if I remained in the kitchen." I want to be able to say..."look at me, I did everything you thought I could not do and more!" I need to touch a life, and give it meaning. I do not care about money, I will be very much content being able to get by and afford life's necesssities. I just want to serve, I need to serve.

Someday, I hope to write a book, on that topic that I am not yet bold enough to write about...and currently not eager to share. I want to buy my mother a house, somewhere in Europe, and for my father, build a beautiful house in Nigeria. In ten years, I want to know that my sisters and brother are fine. That they have their lives figured out, that they are happy. I want to fall hopelessly in love, the kind of love that smiles and comes with butterflies. I might maybe get married (not so sure I want to unless I am 110% sure I have met the love of my life), and have my own little Chisom's running around. I most definitely want to adopt, atleast 3 children, maybe 4. I want to be able to wipe a child's tears, not just for the moment, but for life. I want to make a difference in the world...I need to make a difference. I do not expect you to understand, because I do not understand why I am this way, why I want to do it all, why I need to do it all. I do not know what I am going to do to impact the world, or how I am going to do it, but I will. I know this much.

I have come to realize how much this world needs each and everyone of us. Something as simple as recycling...something as tiny as a smile...an "hello," "stay warm", "have a blessed day"...the miracles of words and the magic that happens when you receive them. The blessings of words.

We are everyday miracles, for those little insignificant act of kindness we perform....like holding the door open, giving up a seat on the train so an elderly person can seat....if you do this, you are no different from me. But while it may come natural to you, I need to do things like this, especially when no one is watching. It makes me feel human...a lot closer to God. I also need to work on myself. On my relationship with God, friends, and family. I need to sort out those nightmares that keeps me awake at night. I need to supress that voice that constantly says "I CANT." I need to be the best possible person I can be henceforth. I still do not kow where my life is heading...where I would be in ten years...but today, I know this because it is true. In ten years, I will be the best person I can be.

So to the power of words...my writing this and sharing with you tells me that I will acheive all that I want to...and much much more. I have said the words "I can" more times than I can count in my short, selfish life. And I have found that indeed..."I can." There is nothing that I cannot do...even those voices inside of me...Doubt...and the voice of the Fear of Failing..is slowly becoming silent. I have won every battle against Doubt and Fear. And Fear knows that "I will jump out of a building," just because the very thought of it, scares the life out of me and Doubt knows that "I will walk on water" even though I cannnot swim. But everyday I do something stupid like "walk in the sky," I eliminate a fear, I cross a self-imposed boundary, I become a little bit of the person I am meant to me. I am afterall my mother's child and even more importantly, a child of God. And they both love me still.

I think about my mother's life, and how she did the impossible....I wonder...wow! She had nothing....and got everything...just to give my siblings and I... anything and everything. And she did not stop there...she spread it around some...gave some people a means to their livelihood...and to others, she presented a different route to hope. Hope. There is life in the word.

There is nothing wrong with having dreams. Even though the future is uncertain..and you have no idea on how to reach the finish line..I tell you ...friend...just as my mother told me.. do not look to the world...look inside your heart....and never stop beleiveing. Never stop pursuing that dream...you may not get there for a little while, and your route may be filled with several set-backs, you could hit several mountains, walls, and stumbling blocks...be steadfast...because someday...oneday...you will arrive your destination. And your world will make sense.

So I shall live and pursue my dreams...one day at a time, and multiples dreams per minute. At the end of the day, I need to be able to say that I did my best. I stuck to my word, I got to the altar, and laid it all down, it may not have been anything, but I gave everything I had.

MINE

2010-02-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have held on to you. My heart stays empty, a chunk of my soul, where you occupied lays restless. Our love died a very quiet one: without questions, no violent expressions, no closure... it just disappeared into the dark

If I knew then, what I know now, I would not be saying something stupid like

"Everything happens for a reason; and if you love someone, let them go, if they return, you know they were yours"

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have seen that our love was universal and limitless.

It defied bias, doubts, society, and our very own prejudices. But one cold morning, I woke up and realized that I had lost love, I had lost you.

Even worse, I lost love by my very own hands.

So to the one I need but may never have again... if I quote another, would you hear me? If I were to say something as cheesy and true as: "She will never love you the way I would"

Would you believe me, would you return back to me?

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have set aside the rational, and loved you across the worlds.

I wish I could tell you how beautiful you made me, my heart continually screams "Love me again... instead!!!" But you do not hear me, as now, you love another.

I am too rational to tell you, too confused to be eloquent, too decent to break up a happy union, too proud to be rejected. I wish you knew I still think of you, and shall always think of you. But now, I must learn to live again. For now... I must love another.

Autobiography

2010-02-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

Three passions have governed my life:

The longings for love, the search for knowledge,

And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.

In the union of love I have seen

In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision

Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.

I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].

I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,

But always pity brought me back to earth;

Cries of pain reverberated in my heart

Of children in famine, of victims tortured

And of old people left helpless.

I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,

And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

~~Bertrand Russell

lOVE'S DEMISE

2010-01-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

~Neil Gaiman

Love For Thought

2010-01-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

So, I am currently on my lunch break, and as a result, I decided to browse the internet. This are some of the quotes I came across while casually browsing (without searching for anything specific). I found a couple of Love Quotes I really liked... so I decided to share with y'all. Enjoy.

"Hate is easy, but love takes courage.You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You're just naked. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust them not to hurt you"

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." -St. Augustine

"You are what I never knew I always wanted." --From the Movie, Fools Rush In

"Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it."

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”--Judy Garland

“Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with.”

"Love is just Love. It can never be explained."

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”--Don Juan DeMarco

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."--Amy Bloom

"When I say I love Eastland, it sounds preposterous -- a man who brutalizes people. But you love him or you wouldn't be here. You're going to Mississippi to create social change -- and you love Eastland in your desire to create conditions which will redeem his children. Loving your enemy is manifest in putting your arms not around the man but around the social situation, to take power from those who misuse it -- at which point they can become human too."--Bayard Rustin

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."--Denis Waitley

"Free love? As if love is anything but free! Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Man has subdued bodies, but all the power on earth has been unable to subdue love. Man has conquered whole nations, but all his armies could not conquer love. Man has chained and fettered the spirit, but he has been utterly helpless before love. High on a throne, with all the splendor and pomp his gold can command, man is yet poor and desolate, if love passes him by. And if it stays, the poorest hovel is radiant with warmth, with life and color. Thus love has the magic power to make of a beggar a king. Yes, love is free; it can dwell in no other atmosphere."--Emma Goldman

"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold."--Zelda Fitzgerald

Curtains in the Wind

2010-01-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

Until this past weekend, I had never been on a real date. It's one thing to have a boyfriend or friend take you on a date (this I have experienced), but it is a completely different ball game when you are going out with someone you just met. And the question arises...well at least for me, on how to behave on a first date. Like I said, I had no prior practice because every date I had gone on was with people who already knew who I was, and as a result, I did not have to IMPRESS.

So, somewhere between my fretting about what to wear and talking to two of my best friends, Anuli and Tola, I realized that I really did not need to be anybody but myself. Like Anuli advised, in the current day and time, the best we can do in the social/dating arena's of our lives is to be ourselves, not waste valuable time with people who are not going to matter, and also, we must ask all the right questions. I mean, I was not gonna ask really serious (but necessary in the long run, if there is one) questions like "what's your blood type? or what's your STI status," lol...but questions that gives a glimpse into what the other person is like. Like their values, beliefs, outlook on life, and reason for studying a particular major, and their future ambitions/dreams/plans (or, I could take it a crazy step further by examining their take on the price of sugar in China, opinion on the African continent/the detrimental effects of foreign aid on the continent, and America's relations in Latin America...lol..(Okay I am just kidding,) these may not be good topics for a first date).

Anyways, I embarked on my date with the ammunition of being nobody else but myself. And I was better for it. Since I was not heavy with the burden of having to impress my date, it went smoothly, actually it was amazing. He turned out to be very knowledgeable and intellectually stimulating. And oh just in case you did not know, I am a little bit of a nerd, so when my date shared his views on international economics and politics, Africa, US foreign relations, and identity politics, I was more than impressed. I felt even more comfortable in my own skin, and as a result, I was able to reveal my nerdy side as well, without the fear of the possibility of intimidating my date.

By the end of the evening, I had experienced my first "real" perfect date, and holding on to the most valuable advise I was given in other to victoriously conquer my first date, which was to not "read "anything" into "anything,"" I came out a victor. The Friday before my date, I had gone to visit at a friends' apartment, he lives in the same building as I do. When I got there he had a guest, and she and I hit it off, and one conversation ran into another. One of the topics we 'touched' was on relationships and how women differ from men. We decided that men were really very simple (women are too complicated, or should I say complex), most men do not ascribe anything out of the ordinary to body language, encounters with the opposite sex, and especially to what is being said. You see, guys see the color blue, regardless of shade, and they call it "blue". While gals would name every other shade, like light blue, sky blue, navy blue, etc..., before they finally settle on just "blue." I guess to an extent it is safe to assume that while men see things as they are in their simplest form, women see things as they want to see it.

In essence, what I am trying to say is that, I decided from then onward to just call things as they are. He said really sweet and nice things (that prior to my acknowledgement of calling things as they are, I would have been "awwing" to) but I do realize that he was on a first date with me. And as such, he was most likely putting his "best foot" forward. So instead of fantasizing or daydreaming about the beautiful things he said, and how he was the perfect date, I choose to spend my time, doing something constructive, like writing this blog :). But on the real, my date is a great guy and somebody I most definitely would want in my life as a friend (as we have a lot in common, he also seems exceptionally smart, and I could learn a thing or two from him).

But, at the end of the day, it was an amazing date, and nothing more. I am not planning "our" marriage, naming "our" children...I am not even planning on a tomorrow with him. I am just going to take it one day at a time (in every aspect of my life), like curtains in the wind, I am going to flow wherever the wind directs me, I am going to go with the breeze, and I am going to let life flow through me.

The Aftermath of My Blog

2010-01-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

When I was writing my blog titled "something like love" I most certainly did not think it will cause much fuss, apparently it has. I have received countless calls from people either wanting to tell me what was being said about me, hear my own side of the story, or ask why I was being quiet.

I always have the same reply... Which is that, I refuse to dignify anything being said with a response.

Apparently, what is being said is atrocious but I reckon it's all in efforts to spite me well enough to incite a response, but I refuse to be that petty or fall into that trap. My initial take on the issue since I found out about the erupting drama (and after taking Jemi's advise on the no-reply action) was on the premise that "You will find that silence or very gentle words are the most exquisite revenge for insult.” But as the minute of everyday since Thursday passed by, I realized that I did not care. I really would not even give a penny for whatever it was. And since I do not even know what is being said and I am not interested in finding out...I guess am good :).

This is not a medium of self justification, but I feel inclined to say... just so we are clear, my blog was and is about me and nobody else. It was in no reply to anyone, it is what it was ...a reason/inspiration to write again on a lesson learned after a disturbing two weeks hiatus/mind freeze. So in regard to anyone that would visit my blog in hopes of finding something "juicy" or expecting to read something hateful... sorry, you are on the wrong blog page. I do not care to know what is being said, there is no story to tell on my part, it is a new year, new me, and a new beginning, and I choose to remain quiet because silence is sometimes the answer.

That Time Travel...

2010-01-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, a colleague asked me that if I had a chance to go back in time, what would I change about my life.

As I was mentally piling lists of things I would like to have done different, something hit me. I realized that my friend Jemi and I had had a conversation that touched on the same topic a little while ago.

So as I thought about every mistake, tear, sorrow, pain that I would like to erase, I realized that every single experience, every tear drop, every day I experienced up to date has brought me exactly where I am and needed to be.

I have been very fortunate to always come in contact with extra-ordinary people...people who make a difference everyday, people who make the world, with their words, their writings, their strengths, and their beliefs. Each and every one of my close friends, in their own little way contribute to my life... without judgement. If I went back and changed something in my life, I would not have met all the amazing people I can now proudly call family.

One of such people is my wonderful friend Jemi Abudulai: Jemi is one of the smartest people I know. She is very agreeable and easy to love. She exudes so much warmth and is brilliant beyond her age. Jemi also owns a blog, (although I have always wanted to own my own blog, meeting Jemi and reading her blog was the push I needed to begin my own). Jemi joggles life's daily "presents" with an unbroken spirit...and the successes, (which she has a lot of)...she handles with great humility and finesse ... continually wanting to improve in her weaknesses and expand on her strengths. She is fascinated with everything, little things, and life. She inspires me everyday...more than she knows.

Another such person is my bestie Anuli, she is genius in marketing and every thing else. She has a very bright, creative, adaptive, and insightful mind...that woman comes up with many fantastic ideas, just as easy as breathing. She is also very circumspect...and easy to talk to, I mean it takes a minute for her to open up to people but when she does, she is an absolute diamond. If she has something to say, you'd know, she is not afraid to be her own person...and she could not give a penny about what the world thinks. She is also very loving, rational, and family oriented. She is ambitious with a bucket full of drive and the gusto to see it through. Now thats my kind of woman! Strong, confident, independent, and oh... incredibly smart.

Another such person is Tola, my Tiny Warrior: She is as feisty as they come but she comports herself with such grace...like a wise elderly person would. I know her to think things through. She is very down to earth and will stubbornly pursue a task without deviation until completion. She is also strong-willed, sympathetic, appreciative, and loving. She is patient, practical, efficient, and endlessly generous with her heart.

There is also Patty, and when she speaks to me, she gives the best advise, like a mother would. She is careful to consider all sides of every issue before jumping to any conclusions. She does keep a low profile but she is completely honest, unselfish, kind, and trust worthy. She is devoted to friends and family but she does not hesitate to cut out the unnecessary baggage in her life. She also holds a Doctorate's degree in responsibility as she is a very responsible and respectable young woman.

And then there is Chioma, my sister, but she is also my friend. I barely give her credit but she has a very good heart. She is easy to forgive and forget, and if you are in her circle of trust, you get the priviledge of being in her heart forever. Chioma is very excited personality, she gets excited about everything and often times, she blows little things out of proportion but the moment that I realized it was all in good faith, I embraced it. She also is insightful and pushes to understand past the mundane day to day experience. When encountered with failure she makes an extreme comeback’s often against incredible odds.

There are also a few other girlfriends that inspire me in their own little way...girls like Shade, Hye Cheong, Uche, Tati, Tiyo, Anna, and my amazing big sis, Oby, that has a motherly impact in my life. Needless to say, all of my friends...my really good girlfriends are some pretty amazing women.

I know that it is most likely the norm to be inspired by renowned figures, people who have surpassed insurmountable odds to make a difference in the world; like Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey, Barrack Obama, Muhammad Yunus, etc... While I am impressed and inspired by all these people and many more, I am most inspired by the people in my life, people I meet in passing, and people that choose to share a little bit of themselves with the world...people like those on the GMH website

On the issue of time travel, I would love to go into the future, to see whether or not my current life decisions are worthwhile and see how my future unfolds. Until that is possible :), I hold on to my girls and the lessons I learn from them everyday...

PRAYERS FOR HAITI

2010-01-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

The earthquake in Haiti has left behind fatal destruction and insurmountable strive in the country especially in the State Capital.

I volunteer with an organization "Turtle Tree" that is currently working with a women's group known as Famn Veret in Haiti. Knowing that the director was in Haiti at the time of the earthquake, I was very worried about his safety. I quickly emailed him and when I received a response, I felt a lot better that he was not affected by the disaster.

However, I do realize that there are countless people who may have lost loved ones, while others await help from being trapped or injured...we should all pray that the relief efforts and help gets to those who need it in time to safe their lives.

Also since Haiti is one of the poorest countries in the world, they need as much help as they can receive from each and every one of us. Nothing is too small. You would be surprised how much difference an amount as small as $1 from each and everyone of us can make in Haiti during this trying time.

There are several mediums through which we can help in Haiti: from face book, I learned that we can help by texting "YELE to 501501," and when we do that, $5 will be donated to the people of Haiti for disaster relief .

In addition, the organization I work for "MADRE" is also engineering funds to help the people of Haiti. You can read more about this and donate at MADRE

You can learn more about the women of Famn Veret in Haiti at: Famn Veret

To learn more about the earthquake in Haiti and the current situation please visit:

The Madre website

The BBC website
The Sky News website

Something Like Love

2010-01-14T21:49:00.000-08:00

So I have had "bloggers block" for the past week. And right around when I was beginning to think that I lacked inspiration to write, I received an email from my ex-boyfriend.

I ended the relationship because it was hurtful, not what I wanted or needed, and he cheated on me...multiple times.

At the beginning of this year, I 'resoluted' to move forward with everything good in my life and to let go of everything else. This morning, I woke up to a long hateful email from my ex-boyfriend. Prior to this, he had told me that he could not understand why I could not forgive him and take him back. He believed that although he cheated he was en-route to turning a new leaf, becoming a better person (And I believe he is gonna get there, if he is not already there). The thing is that it took my breaking up with him for him to realize he could do better/could have been better while we were in a relationship. Although he seemed to forget about previous countless pleas and promises he made to me when I threatened to break up with him. I told him that although I still cared for him as a human being and friend, I was no longer interested in being in a relationship with him. I kept to my own part of the deal...I was courteous and civil with him. I guess since I came to the decision of breaking up with him, I was okay and happy with the reality of my future without him. I was neither hateful nor bitter.

Anyways, back to the email. He reminded me that I knew what I was getting into. That I knew he was a cheating young man (where the opposite sex was concerned of course), prior to the start of the relationship. And he is correct. I am not sure what it is about us women that we sometimes think, should I say dream we can change men/cultivate the perfect man. Well as you can tell, that dream was violently crushed for me. I knew better...well I thought I did. I had known him for three years prior to the start of the relationship. I knew he was a good friend and had a good heart. I also knew he was a flirt and cheat. While we were still friends, I even helped him avert situations where he would have gotten caught (oops...so maybe this is where my karma stemmed from?).

I knew exactly what I was getting into. I remember swearing to myself to never date him or anyone like him..but I guess I lied because I did date him. I took his baggage for over a year. I am not innocent but I know that I would never put another human human being, especially one I claim to love through what he put me through (well in his defense, I let it happen. You see we always have choices and for some ridiculous reason, I choose to tolerate it, so I guess it's best to say "through what 'I' let him put me through). I made countless unreasonable excuses for his actions, although they currently make no sense to me, I guess at the time, I needed to have an excuse, why he acted a certain way, maybe it made me feel better. So, every now and then, when I think about what I endured, I feel like smacking myself, for putting up with it. But then I tell myself... "Everything happens for a reason. Move on... Lesson learned!"Were they good times? Definitely! But they were more bad times...brought about as a result of his "extracurricular activities." Oh well! I have said my peace with it. It no longer bothers me in that way...you know that way when you get an awful feeling at the pit of your stomach? It is now my past, and maybe my mistake, but definitely an eye opener and mirror showing me the exact type of relationship (or anything related to it) I should stay away from.

Luckily, one morning last year, I woke up, and "smelled the coffee" and I knew, it was time to pack up...and let sleeping dogs lie. So I did. I realized that our relationship was over before it started...although I tried to believe he would treat me differently from every other girl, atleast just because of our friendship, I thought I could change him, but I was wrong. I could not patch anything up, that was just the way he was, and it does not make him a bad person (because he did have good intentions and wanted to be faithful (well that's what he said), but he just couldn't), it just makes him...well NOT good enough for me. I am not going to play a victim, because I knew better, I knew what I was getting into...now I KNOW BETTER. Like I said, LESSON LEARNED!

So now I know, to never settle to be treated for less than I deserve. To never try to change or hope to fix another human being (when it comes to love and relationships). I know to accept certain realities about life, like the fact that people are people, we are who we are. My current knowledge takes me back to the quote by Maya Angelou "if someone shows you who they are, believe them," which in this regard implies that if I had paid more attention to my ex's actions, and not his words "or many promises of wanting to change," I would seen exactly who he was. I would have seen that that was not the relationship I wanted or needed. I would have known it was not love, because if you love somebody, you do not hurt them. You respect them, and more importantly, you do not take advantage of their trust.

I now know that (my ideal type of) love is simple without complexities or pride, with no if's or maybe's. Love is full-speed, it's giving all of yourself, it's that look in a mother's eyes when she sees her new born baby, it's that look in a groom's eyes, when he sees his bride walking down the aisle. Love is waking up in the morning with smiles... love is a beautiful poem, it is an inspiring song, it is not painful, it does not cheat, lie, deceive or hurt. Love is faithful, love is real...Love is...just LOVE.

Another Direction...Maybe?

2010-01-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

So I am trying to figure out how to spice up my blog. It seems like I always talk about "serious" stuff ...so I figured, I'd still stay true to myself as I continue in my blogging adventure but with a certain kinda flare...maybe a little bit of funny :). The problem is, I do not think I am funny. My friends say I have a wierd sense of humor...I laugh at really hard things...things and situations that others may not find amusing. I guess I have learned the hard way, not to take myself too seriously. I mean there are certain situations that are just too awful and sad that all I can do is laugh. Laughing is my sedative, it gives me a certain kind of healing and takes me away from the present reality. But this aspect of myself does not prevent me from tackling things head on. I stress the small stuff (or should I say obsess about the small stuff?)...and if you have read some of my blogs, you can tell that the big things don't matter as much to me. I am always positive, too positive sometimes, which is my blessing and also my curse. I say this because there are certain times when I just want to scream my head off, or cry...but being me, I always end up saying "well, it could be worse!" Sometimes, I wish I did not think this way but hey, that's me...I have come to accept the way I am, and I no longer apologize for it.

Moving on, on one hand, I am a serial multi-tasker. I like to take on different things at once...I work best that way. I become an "effectiveness zombie"...I work, work, and work some more (I love the feeling of being productive). The downside to all of this is that sometimes, I feel like I am losing myself to work...but it's a feeling that a good movie or a hang-out with friends erases. Back to being funny, I often say the most silly things and my friends burst out laughing...the downside is that the things I say are never planned and I do not know how to be funny when asked, or when I need to be...it always just happens. I also have a weakness...I say everything I think, well in the proper situations of course. When I am comfortable around people, I tend to let all my flaws or should I say perfections shine...haha. I also have a tendency to say what others can without mincing words...this always comes off as funny...because I always get the same reaction that normally goes something like "Chisom, I cannot believe you just said that! Those are the kind of things you think but not say! Jeezs woman!"

Maybe I could write about social and economic issues that interest me? Maybe, we will see. But that is not funny! Arrrrggghhhhh...I want to be funny :(. Maybe I could figure out a way to add some humor on the topics I write about? Anyways, at this point, I am bored about writing about myself. I mean when I glance through this blog, all I see is the word "I." That sucks...lol...so I am gonna stop!

One last note to my readers on this topic, I am very open to ideas on how to be funny...so if you have any, please leave me a line or two. Merci Beaucoup!

The Power of Small

2010-01-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

I have a natural and unexplained tendency to surprise myself.

I fall in and out of love very quickly. Not the kind of love you would think. What I mean to say is that sometimes, I fall in love with simple things... like an idea, the perfect man, a place, or school... sometimes, even a picture. Often times, I create a picture of that life in my mind, I dream, sleep, and live the memories I create. After a while, that excitement becomes transient...somtimes, they disappear quickly, other times, the are yanked away by others. But I realize that all fantasies asides, I always end up where I need to be.

There are many things I have done to date, however small, that I am proud of. There are certain things I never thought I could do (like completing my senior thesis, impulsively moving to New York on the basis of an interview...although I was determined to get the job and I did :)), certain decisions I never thought I could make (like quitting a well-paying job in a private company for one in an NGO, cutting-ties with people I loved but who were no good for me), and growing up...finally...with no excuses and gratefully making the best out of the life I have.

There are also a lot of things I have done that today I ask myself "what the heck were you thinking?" I mean, sometimes, I think, no, I know, I knew better! I tell or maybe ask myself, why? But I come up with no answer. So I chose to look at all my mistakes as a lesson learned. Confidently knowing that I would never make them again. This part of my life is summed up by my saying "Although I have made so many mistakes, it does not really matter, as long as I get it right in the end."

But on my bright side, I am a little bit of a romantic, I think. My friend Naomi call me a pessimistic optimist. I mean, I hope for the best but I expect the worst. So if it happens, I can say "oh well! Life goes on." If you go through the torture :) of listening to my views on "relationships," you'd understand why Naomi thinks this of me. But on my romantic side, I completely refuse to settle. Is it so wrong believe that as human beings, we deserve the very best? The best of life, the best of relationships, without any complexities or pride, knowing that you love somebody because you know no other way. And what about trust? Reaching that point with another human being, when you trust them, completely with your very life. I want a prince charming, I want to feel like cinderella, I want that moment, that once in a life time, where someone comes along that I am perfectly meant to be with. Those few seconds, fragments really, that seemed as though the whole universe existed just to bring me together with that path I was destined to take to find him and everything else I need.

So why is all the above jumbled digressions important in my blog about the power small? I'll tell you.

In my twenty two years of being alive, I have realized a few things. This may not apply to everyone, but it does to me. The little things matter the most to me. A smile, a thoughtful word, the truth no matter how painful. I sweat the small stuff, the big things do not matter. Finding the "power of little things" has helped me glide through hard and uncertain times. Little things like knowing that "it" could be worse, even when I fail (at something or do not get what I have put in much time and effort ). Little things like if I feel that today is the worst day in my life, I know that tomorrow has to be better.

I believe in the POWER OF SMALL. I know the value of SMALL. The small things are what makes us smile...the small things change our lives...the small things are not ephemeral...because they remain no matter what...a smile, a hug, a handshake, a touch...the little things always end up to be the BIGGEST things. They matter the most, spending time with family, listening to a friend when they need an ear, a helping hand...finding the courage to be all that we can be...quite small you might think...but it's a lot more...its larger than life...it is, it is.

I also believe in the power of creating our own realities. I refuse to settle for what the rest of the world thinks or expects of me. I am going to go out there, and take on the world, so the world better watch out :). But seriously, when it comes to the topic of what makes us happy, or future ambitions (no matter how crazy they sound), we should go for it, never taking no for an answer. When the world is done talking, and after all is said and done, we are our own judge...and as such, the verdict is up to us.

Life in Reality

2010-01-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

Since I moved to NYC, I have been inspired mainly by people I come across by chance. Those playing music or displaying their craft on the road side, those who live in the subways, those who come onto the trains with many talents to display, but, I have been most inspired by those riding the trains, headed for a destination. They seat quietly, and for those of them who wanted to block out the world, they listen to "their" music during the ride (I fall into this category). I often wonder what kind of music people listen to and why. Sometimes, I stare, gently, hoping that I can read their autobiographies just by looking in their faces. Often times, I fail. But there are always a few people, whose stories you could tell. Stories written all over their faces. Stories that would take you on an irreplaceable empirical journey, often times, life changing.

There is something refreshing about living through other people. In my opinion, there is something fascinating about listening to people, getting to know about them, and trying to figure them out. It makes you better aware of your life and the lives of others.

Yesterday (January 1st 2010), I saw a couple, on my train ride to meet up with a friend in Times Square. They were asleep, it was very easy to see that (1) There were tired (2) They were in search of something better, probably, a better life or future for themselves...maybe their (future) children. They had about four huge bags with them, and although the bags seemed heavy, you could tell that the weight of those bags were nothing compared to the burdens they endure.

On my subway ride back to my apartment. I saw a girl, she is no older than 24. She walked in blinded by her tears. I could see that she tried to hold back the tears...but...she could not. She sat down and sobbed her way through the journey. Fellow train riders asked if she was okay, and she said yes. I mean, since they were strangers, I most likely would have said the same thing. As the train neared my stop, I walked to her and said "I hope you feel better, its is a new year. Enjoy it. I do not know what you are going through, I can hardly imagine. But remember that if today is the worst day of your life, tomorrow has to be better, and it will be better! Happy Holidays."

As I walked back to my apartment from the subway station, I thought about my day, in the first day of the new year. I did not have a sudden epiphany, I just knew that...life is the reality. Not our hopes, not our dreams, not our ambitions. Our reality is making the best out of everyday, no matter what it brings. It is okay to cry, it is even okay to feel a little bit sorry for yourselves, but not for too long. Because no matter what we are going through...life is still and always going to be life. We just have to be ready and accepting of it. After-all, that is how we learn and grow.

CHOICES

2010-01-02T01:14:00.000-08:00

I had a very heated conversation with one of my best friends today. It was not the kind of argument that ends with being angry with each other. Rather, it was just one those arguments that we had to agree to disagree. It also made me think from another perspective. One different from the one I already had.

In my opinion, at the boil of the conversation was the topic of "Victimization." What is sexuality? What are women's rights? Are there things that a man can do that a woman cannot?

You see, something was brought to my attention today. I am a liberal, I have known this for a while. In fact I am overly liberal. Until today, I used to think that I saw the world and everything in it not as "black" and "white," but as various "shades of grey." But today I found that somethings are just "black" or "white." One example: there is absolutely no excuse for rape or molestation. No matter what angle the case is argued, it is just plain wrong! (This is my "Black").

There are certain people in the world who play on their demise. Who place so much emphasis on all the horrible things they encountered, that they inadvertently give those pain, memories, and failures, power their existence. I am a firm believer of the saying: "If you do not like the way something is in your life, change it. If you cannot change it, accept it, and make the best of it." In other words, when life hands you lemons, make very sweet lemonades! (This is my white).

We should never let ourselves become victims, not by society, and especially not by choice. So what, we are women!? So nobody expects greats things of us, let's us prove them wrong! I mean if we failed, no one would notice, so we do not loose, not in the public sense at least. But if we succeed, when we succeed.... and we will...

So what, you are a man?! The world expects too much of you. You have so much responsibilities and you are supposed to fit society's definition of what a "man" should be (What does the word "man" even mean?). So to all the men out there, do you! Get yours, and every other joy will come to you. Your sweats... every single drop, will not go unrewarded. And if you are satisfied with all your accomplishments, the rest of the world can evaporate!

My first day in 2010 has taught me a few lessons, I learnt a few things today just by observing people; people on the subways; people that brush against my shoulder in Time Sqaure, friends, and family ! This is what I now know: "I am not my hair, I am not my pain, I am not my past, I am not insignificant, and I am especially not what society expects of me. I am life, I am hope, I am optimism, I am the future, and I am a woman above everything else. I am no less of a person by the flaws you see in me; I am no lesser for I am not those flaws! I know who I am, my flaws and my strengths, and there is no better person who can handle me but me.

To my readers: I hope this new year bring you many blessings and all your heart desires! Try something new, find yourself, and be the best person you can be!

THE "NIGERIAN" TERRORIST

2009-12-27T15:27:00.000-08:00

With the long list of already established "handicap of definitions" that comes with being a Nigerian, we now have terrorism to add to it.

On Christmas day, I woke up feeling refreshed and almost ready for a new year and then I got on facebook... status updates about a Nigerian terrorist filled my home page. Naturally, I opened up a new browser and went on the CNN, and then BBC, and after SKY News websites in an attempt to make sure I was not imagining things. Was I appalled? Yes. In fact, being appalled is an understatement.

The Nigerians I know are smart...I mean we do crazy things but we love our lives! We seriously do! So to find an ingrate who decides to kill innocents for the "greater good" was appalling. I am Nigerian. Born, raised, and very proud of my country and heritage. In this regard, I know that I am very much qualified to speak for Nigerians when I say that we value our lives and freedom, we do not condone the action of this sick riffraff...and above all we are not terrorists.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is sick, as we all know. I mean no matter what angle this atrocity is approached from, there is no excuse, there is no good, I mean absolutely no good that could come out of killing innocent people. Even worse is that this imbecile is only 23 years of age. I mean 23, Nigerian, and a terrorist? Really?

But all "beef" aside, this goes to prove that terrorism has no face...it is not necessarily associated with poverty, religion, or nationality. I mean he is from a wealthy family, he attended the prestigious University College London, it seemed like he had everything. And still someone was still able to convince him or should I say brainwash him, that if he blew up a plane, he soul would rest with God. He is a disgrace to Nigeria, a complete disgrace! I do not know what goes on in the head of suicide bombers. And honestly speaking, I do not want to know.

I do know that what ever battles we face in life, there is always a choice. We can choose to either do the right or the wrong thing. I am not one to judge, but I do know that killing innocents is wrong.

In my opinion, what is most frustrating about this incident, other than the facts that he tried to bomb a plane and that many people could have been killed, is that they call him the "Nigerian" terrorist. The "Nigerian Terrorist" is the new tag-line that has been plastered all over newspapers, news headlines, you-tube, google, ... and the list continues. I am deeply saddened that besides the fraud, 419, and corruption questions we are now accustomed to, Nigerians now have one more question to answer, that of terrorism.

Nigerians, brace yourselves. We are going to war against this 'handicap.' We are not terrorists.

My Bucket List

2009-12-23T16:13:00.000-08:00

1) Write a thesis Done

2) Obtain a Bachelors degree Done
3) Obtain a Masters degree Doing

4) Explore various ideas on economic sustainability models that would be beneficial to the African continent.

5) Work for an NGO/IGO on matters of economic development, international economics, international trade, international peace and security, conflict resolution, human rights, women issues, social issues, or identity politics Doing

6) Explore Europe Doing

7) Obtain a PhD in International and Development Economics

8) Create an economic sustainability model

9) Take on the universe... and make a significant and beneficial difference to the world economy

10) Fight/speak for those who cannot... e.g women and children

11) Visit Australia

12) Explore Africa
13) Sky Dive
14) Run a marathon
15) Find the courage to become all that I can be
16) Spend an entire day reading a book of interest Done
17) Bungee Jump                      Done
18) Fall deeply in love...helplessly, unconditionally, and beyond reason
19) Accept myself for who I am                   Done
20) Own a room with a view            Done

21) Explore Latin America
22) Visit Asia
23) Surf

24) Set foot on all 7 continents
25) Be an expert in swimming
26) Ride a bicycle Done
27) Adopt a child from every continent
28) Climb one of the world's seven summits
29) Sail through the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
30) Ride a mechanical bull
31) Learn to swim
32) Fly first class
33) Climb my way to the very top of the Eiffel Tower
34) Climb my way to the top of the Statue of Liberty Done
35) Spend New Years at Times Square
36) Donate blood in America (They never let me donate blood...because I am from Africa :{...)
37) Be conversational in Chinese
38) Learn to fly a plane
39) Go skinny dipping
40) Adopt a dog
41) Sleep under the stars Done
42) Buy my mother a house in Europe
43) Witness a miracle Done
44) Write a book
45) Establish an NGO
46) Be in two places at the same time Done

What Were We Fighting For? Who Bore the Costs?

2009-12-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

While browsing on google, I came across a life article "100 photographs that changed the world" that caught my interest...and this broke my heart.

BIAFRA 1969

When the Igbos of eastern Nigeria declared themselves independent in 1967, Nigeria blockaded their fledgling country-Biafra. In three years of war, more than one million people died, mainly of hunger. In famine, children who lack proteinoften get the disease kwashiorkor, which causes their muscles to waste away and their bellies to protrude. War photographer Don McCullin drew attention to the tragedy. "I was devastated by the sight of 900 children living in one camp in utter squalor at the point of death," he said. "I lost all interest in photographing soldiers in action." The world community intervened to help Biafra, and learned key lessons about dealing with massive hunger exacerbated by war-a problem that still defies simple solutions.

My Ignorance: The following was all I knew about the Biafran War. The people from the Eastern part of Nigeria wanted their own country and decided on declaring their independence, a war ensued, they lost.

My Enlightenment: The picture above suggests that I should research what actually happened. And I will. I will update you on my findings

To New Beginnings

2009-12-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

While I was still in college, I envisioned my life after I graduated. I saw myself working for a big private corporation. When I closed my eyes, I saw a Mercedes S class that belonged to me. In my mind's eye, I lived the pretty busy life. I woke up in the morning, made myself a hot cup of coffee, and tried to hustle through the traffic of a big city to get to work. When I got back from work at about 8.00pm or later, I would order Chinese food and have dinner while seating in front of the television. Soon thereafter, I'd take a shower and go to bed...only to wake up at 5.00am the next morning and do the same thing all over again.

You see, there is nothing wrong with working for a majestic corporation, I hear it could be very rewarding, but it is just not for me. The life I envisioned for myself (working at a big company) was without LIFE, I did not have time for friends or family. I barely even had time for myself! Even worse is the fact that I would not be giving back to the world at large. Funny thing is that, I even prayed for this job. I prayed that God would bring me this job.

In reality, I do not work for a big private corporation. I work for an NGO... in fact, I am an NGO junkie! I work, I volunteer, and I work some more. And I could not be any happier with my choice. My day is still busy but also flexible. On a really busy day, I would get off work late, but on normal days, I would get off at 6.oopm or 7.00pm. Although, I am not making as much as I would have earned in a private company, I know that I am serving for the greater good. In all, everyday, I walk into work, or go volunteer, I make a difference. I work with other people on a common cause and we save lives!

A very special woman, Mrs. Ofili, once said to me, "Do what you love, and you would never have to work." I agree. I am doing exactly what I was born to do, so I do not work.

I do have time for my friends, I talk to them, all the time. My mother calls me every morning at 4.00am and says "Nne did I wake you....I am bored, what are you doing :)?" And every now and again, I go out with my friends that live in the city.

I guess in essence, what I am trying to say is that, now I see why God doesn't answer all prayers...why he did not answer my prayers... he knew better! Now I understand why I was turned down by most Big Corps. I applied to... it was not for me. Not at this point in my life at least. He knew where I would be happier, he knew what my greater purpose should serve. I am happy.

So for all of you out there job hunting...and experiencing the harsh reality of the economy, do not be weary. Your miracle is waiting. God does not forget his own. So instead of counting your loses, count the victories you have yet to achieve.

Bading Farewell To the Previous Year....and Making Resolutions For The New Year

2009-12-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

Dear 2009,

You dealt me with several blows, you broke me into bits, and somehow managed to piece me back together...you taught me how to stand up. You showed me that I am strong, stronger than I thought.

In one way or the other, I am sure we have all had our "Ups" and "Downs" in 2009. For me, this year came with so much.... from surviving Croft and completing, defending and passing my Senior Thesis (Y'all do not even know how hard that was...and how proud I am of myself!), to graduating, to job haunting...to facing rejection...I mean I received numerous generic emails explaining how although they were impressed with my qualifications, they decided to go with more qualified candidates... to being depressed, then to finding a job, and moving to New York City.

And apart from all the academically related mentioned above, I also had my fair share of heart break, sorrow, denial, pain, losing friends, making friends, joy, new beginnings and emancipation.

People say what does not kill you, makes you stronger! I agree! If this were not true, I would be a ghost and my life would have faded away. To my readers, as you say good bye to 2009, do so gratefully. Forgive everyone and everything... take your lessons from 2009 and go into 2010 determined never to repeat the same mistakes. No matter what happened in 2009, smile, it helps! At the least, you have your life, for that, you ought to be grateful. So I raise my glass to all of you as the count down for Jan 1st, 2010 continues...You have made it through 2009, so be glad. I mean if 2009 was your worst year yet, then 2010 has to be better!

...TO NEW RESOLUTIONS

A) Show up... not on time, early: Lately, I have been tempting or should I say challenging time. And it has found a way to bite me in the butt every-time. I mean normally it takes me about 15 minutes to get to work, so I leave the apartment 20 minutes prior to the time I need to be at work. Bad Idea! Because for some unknown reasons, the train does not arrive on time or it sits in traffic... yes, the train sits in traffic for about 10 minutes (one time for 17m 15 s) and I end up getting to work 15 to 20 minutes late! So I will show up every where I go, 15 minutes early.

B) Remember the friends I lost to death in 2009: This year, I lost six friends to death. It still saddens me because they were stars... all of them. So I will not forget them, I will take them with me.. continually praying that their soul rests in perfect peace with God.

C) Be a Miracle: In 2010, I will make a more profound impact in the world. Do not ask me how, because I do not know yet, but I will. Some how.

D) Pursue my Dreams: Next year, I will be entering graduate school, I will definitely put my best foot forward. I will study like it is going out of style, I will learn everything possible and ask all the difficult questions, to enable me understand economic development in Africa.

E) Let Go: I am leaving behind all the negatives, all the hurt, all pain, all the failures with 2009. You no longer have a hold over me. I take away all the power I had giving you, you are no longer welcome in my heart or thoughts. Goodbye.

F) Live...not a little...but ALOT: For as long as I could make new year resolutions, I always said I would live a little, let my hair down, and not worry so much about the rest of the world. And I have also always heard "C'mon! Live a little." So, after much pondering, and having lived a little and left wanting for more, I have decided to live ALOT instead. In 2010, I will dance, laugh, cry, sing, smile, read, travel, explore, and ask more! Everything that I normally do will be skyrocketed by the power of a million.

G) Say I Love You: After losing so many friends in 2009 and not having a chance to say goodbye to any of them, I have decided to make sure that in 2010, all my loved ones knows exactly how I feel about them. And how appreciated, they all are. So, I am gonna say "I Love you" everyday.

Trapped in the Middle... No Longer

2009-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

People say: God does not give us more than we can handle, but, there is a space inside of me that grows larger by the day. Lately, I find myself taking deep breaths, sometimes, my heart goes into overdrive...

I wish I knew what tomorrow holds for me... where I would be. I am currently waiting, frantically, to find how my future unfolds...

So I pray: Dear God, I know it seems like I only come to you when I need something. And maybe this is true.

But I am working on talking to you every day. I am hoping that every morning, you sit by me, and we discuss my day for five minutes. This discussion would be all inclusive. This discussion will begin with my saying thanks for the privilege of living another day, I will then proceed to telling you what I want to accomplish for the day, what I would want you to do for me, and what I would do in return, and how I would like to positively impact at least one life on that day. Our discussion would end by you blessing my day and your telling me of what I needed from the things I wanted, and how I should go about obtaining them. Then I would say, "Thank you Father, will talk to you later" and you would say "I will be with you every second of your day today, so holla when you need to talk... I'll always listen... and because you are VIP, I will ask the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the Angels to accompany me on our trip today... so that when you are busy during your day, and you do not think of me, I'll have them to keep my company."

Today was a particularly hard day for me. I woke up with many thoughts going through my head... but I had little time to process my many thoughts. I took a scorching hot shower, got ready, and looked at google map to figure out what trains I had to take to get to Bleecker Street (location where the Non-Profit I volunteer with, had an event), it turns out I have to take the D or 6 train... I got off at Bleecker St station and it took me about 30 minutes of wondering from one end to the other to find the venue of the event. On my train ride back home... something happened to me... I felt empty, lost, alone, and faithless. And then I began to feel sorry for myself... then on my walk across the subway to get on my next train, I saw a homeless man. New York is filled with countless homeless people, chances are that on a really good day, you come across three or four (and on a not so great day...maybe twenty) What was so peculiar about the homeless man I came across? He seemed happy....we stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds (before I looked away) and then he smiled at me or maybe I saw what I wanted to see. At that point, it seemed as though his eyes were trying to tell me that my situation could be worse. I must have heard the voice of God resounding one of my favorite quotes "No matter what you are going through in life, remember that, there is always someone who has it worse." I smiled back in a split second, not because I knew he had it worse (that saddens me actually), I smiled because I realized that I had so much to be thankful for.

The Story of the Women of Famn Veret! An Undaunted Life

2009-12-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” ~Washington Irving

THE WOMEN OF FAMN VERET

A group of disadvantaged women in Verrettes, a small town in the Artibonite Valley in Haiti, has started making textiles to generate income and to feed their families. The women’s co-operative calls itself Fanm Veret, Wi Nou Kapab!, Creole for The Women of Verrettes, Yes We Can Do It!

Strongly motivated to make this project work, the Women of Verrettes want to establish their economic and social independence. The Spanish regional government of Andalusia has given them a grant to become a legal cooperative and to take courses in how to run their own businesses. The development of this group into a self-governed cooperative empowers the women to become leaders in their communities.

They Felt, so their children can obtain an education & become leaders...& maybe, someday....transform Haiti...

At present, Haitians suffer from the political instability and economic fragility of their country and the women of Fanm Veret are in a particularly dire situation. Many are the sole providers for their extended families in an environment where the prospects for work are bleak.

In March 2007 the women’s group met with Ton Vriens, a Dutch journalist, and they asked him for help with the design and marketing of textile products. Turtle Tree, a Dutch foundation, stepped in and invited American artisans Ashley Helvey and Annie Arthur to Verrettes to lead a series of workshops in the craft of felting and needle arts. Sixty-nine women attended these workshops and became proficient artisans. The cooperative’s first project is a line of handmade woolen cases for MacBook, iPhone, and iPod.

This line of products, called McSock, holds a promise of real economic sustainability for Fanm Veret. They can also be bought on the website of the Dutch Turtle Tree foundation that sponsors this project.

Proceeds of the sales are returned to the Famn Veret cooperative in Haiti. In the spring of 2008 Turtle Tree Foundation started a second project in the region, in collaboration with the Famn Veret cooperative: revitalizing the cultivation of cotton in the mountains. Growing cotton, which was once one of Hait!i’s main cash crops, will bring a more consistent income to the subsistence farmers and will provide Fanm Veret and other groups in the region with indigenous materials.

The women’s journey towards independence and economic sustainability still faces many obstacles. But as Elcina Désulmé, one of the group leaders, says, “Piti, piti, wazo fe nich li.” (Little by little, the bird makes its nest.)

They are fighting and working hard for their livelihood! What will you do to help them?

To learn more about the women of Famn Veret and other fair-trade initiatives, visit www.turtletreefoundation.org.

And please, become a Facebook fan of McSock and Fanm Veret! I will keep you updated on their progress.

The iPhone...this sock can fit a BlackBerry, or any other high tech phone available today. It holds firmly repels dust, scratches (you know how we hate that!), and even water!

The McSock (====>>to the right) fits a 13inch MacBook or any other computer of that size. And for those of you who own Netbooks...you can own a McSock as well! The women of Famn Veret made a few for y'all Netbook lovers.

The McSock and iPhones come in a variety of colors and in any and possibly every color combination that you can imagine.

This can also be a very powerful gift with the Christmas season around the corner. When you give the McSock or iPhone as a gift, you will be giving a gift twice! Not only to your loved one, but you will help sustain the family members of one of the Famn Verettes in Haiti.

I own a McSock and I am absolutely in love with it. It is classy and stylish...and the best of it all is that, in my own little way, I am making a difference in the Haiti. I am serving on a cause.

Nap Time....Oooops I Stayed Up Too Late or Early?

2009-12-11T02:24:00.000-08:00

Ok so I stayed up too late, or should I say early? I mean technically, would that be right? It is 5.16am and I am still up. This is bad...really bad! I have to go into work in exactly 3 hours and 44 minutes. On the bright side, what did I accomplish? I cooked! Yay! I have edible food...finally! I have pretty much starved all week...now I have the most deliciously made Garlic Roasted Fettuccine and baked Chicken! And oh, I changed my blog template (The previous template was not as organized as this one...so I had to spend lots and lots of hours editing the HTML... This current change would be my 6th attempt at a blog template. Let's hope this one sticks! Although, I wish I had slept instead....
Until Later, Au revior!

Today...

2009-12-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today was so busy...gosh...I thought it would never end...but it did...ahhhhhhhhhhh.........(my attempt to depict the relief I feel :) ).

So why was today busy? It was busy because I had to catch up on work...I have been "out" due to an illness...bleh bleh bleh...but I am feeling better now, well...somewhat.

I reluctantly got off bed in the morning... I went in an hour late :(. The minute I reached my office, I shut the door, then I put myself to work. I never thought I could work so fast...it felt like I was in "fast forward."I got caught up on all my AUDITS...(do you see how I capitalized it?) Yes! I work as an Accountant! Crazy huh? I studied Economics and International Studies...but oh well....Audit is fun...when I am in the mood that is...it is hard, sometimes boring...but when I am not working on Audits, I conduct research in Economic Development...(pretty nice gig huh?)...well I love it!

Anyways (back from digressing), I worked really hard and fast and I was very detailed-oriented....I hope :). By 7pm, I was feeling nauseous...so I packed up for the day... but could not head home just yet. I walked a few blocks to Borders--Famous Book Store/Coffe Joint in New York City--to do some research.

After writing tirelessly for two hours while simultaneously talking on the phone with my friend, Naomi, I decided to head home. After a minor brain freeze on my way to the subway, I finally got on the train and waited to reach my stop. When I got back to the apartment, I ate a left over Udong soup...watched NCIS and Chelsea lately...and now...writing this blog (although I know I should be typing up my research...but I want to procrastinate! :))

PS: I miss my big sister, Chioma...(Hence the Picture of She and I :)...or is it her and I or me and her? oh well...not too sure about my grammar choices tonight.) Once again, thanks for reading...until....later :). Au revoir, bonne nuit et rêves doux !

'Please Help me' (I found this in My Private Stash)

2009-12-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

Please come into my life, but don't try to take over.

Please help me to think, but don't try to think for me.

Please help me to find a better way, but don't expect me to do it your way.

Please help me, even if I am wrong. Help me to stand again, but don't carry me.

Please help me to move forward again, even if we move forward in different directions.

And last of all, if you cannot help me to be what I want to be, then please don't hurt me by trying to make me what you expect me to be.

~Bob Hadfield

So before I say "Bon Nuit"....

2009-12-08T01:15:00.000-08:00

I am finally feeling the need to go back to bed...hopefully I sleep like a baby..and wake up feeling rejuvenated. I also hope that I can update my blog daily.... I hope....

For those that cannot tell, my blog is still under construction.... haha

Until later..... Bon Nuit!

People that are Important in My Life (in no particular order)

2009-12-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

Momma, Chioma, Oby, Ozi.

Anulika, Omotola, Robin, Patricia, Hye Cheong, Jemi, Ifeanyi, Walter, Willie, Ijeoma, Chiedu, Tiyo, Anna-Catherine, Shade, the Ofili's, Uche.

I know I am forgetting a few people....

Friendship

2009-12-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

I look at him, And a smile grows in my face. Just to remember the times, When he could've been mine.

As he gives me a hug, While he puts his arms around me. I remember what I would've gave To only have a chance with him.

But now I see him, In a different light. Yes, he still means the world to me, But now its a different way.

His friendship means a lot to me, Although we never had much anything else. Now I see why God doesn't answer all prayers, Because some things are left better untouched

My Love

2009-12-08T00:47:00.000-08:00

When I say I love you I do
But this with you will not do
I need someone I can lean on
Someone I can count on too

Yes you are there sometimes
For that I am grateful to you
But I need someone there full time
And that you can not do

You told me once you loved me
That I could believe in you
I was there when you needed someone
Where were you when I needed someone, too?

The time has come for me to let go
Never to expect you to care again
People may come and people may go
But my love will never end

To My Valentine

2009-12-08T00:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon A time There was Truth to the Myth of what You And I Had found In a blank paged Fairy tale.

Snow White Doesn't sleep In a casket made of Glass Slippers will break If you wear them.

Walk across this Written word With fingers Gently Seeking Loving You And me No more.

He loves Me He loves me! Not Enough.

To: My Valentine Will you Be mine No longer . . .

At Night

2009-12-08T00:42:00.001-08:00

At night I lay and think of you hoping my wishes and dreams come true
At night I wonder can this be the end is this all that's left
At night I wish we could go to the way things were
At night I lay and cry about the things that happened and how it all ended
At night I lay and think of us, I mean you and I
At night I realize there's no more us
At night I dream of us together again
At night I wish for us to be together again
But in the morning I realize it was all...At Night

Our Love

2009-12-08T00:41:00.000-08:00

Our love is a wasteland of promises in vain

of past of present of future nothing

rotting quietly in my palms

La vie quotidiennement: Life on a Daily Basis

2009-12-08T00:35:00.000-08:00

So after much debate about what my blog should be about, I finally decided that it should be about me...I mean everything that I am willing to share :). I came to this conclusion after careful consideration of my.....(hahaha..my little secret)...for now....but will share with all of you soon enough... January Ist!

So it is 3.28am in freezing NY city....I slept all through the day--as I have been bed ridden by a high fever, soar throat and annoying cough since Thursday--so now, at this unholy hour of the night...well morning, I cannot sleep. I hope to be able to go into work today, because I was absent from work this past Friday and yesterday (Monday) as a result on my illness...my work is piling and I am not looking forward to tomorrow...well today...in approximately 5 hours :(.

One higlight, I got to chat with one of my best friends--Robin Goolsby--momma on facebook. It was very refreshing. Gosh how I miss them. I hope to see them soon....finger's crossed :).

21 Things I know for Sure

2009-12-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

1) I am the author of my life. I write my own script.
2) I am my own judge. The verdict is up to me!
3) I can be changed by what happens to me, but I will never be reduced by it.
4) If someone shows you who they are... believe them the first time (Maya Angelou)
5) There is no such thing as impossible. If it can be done, I'll do it. If it has never been done, I'll try.
6) Everyday we wake up and try again, we are miracles, and be it known that we continually accomplish a relatively rare thing, and as long as we are proud of our accomplishments, the rest of the world can evaporate
7) Love is just love.
8) Never take for granted loving somebody that loves you back.
9) Fidelity is not a feeling, it is a decision.
10) No matter what you are going through, there is always someone who has it worse.
11) If a relationship has to be secret, you shouldn't be in it.
12) When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.
13) What other people think of you is not your business.
14) No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
15) Envy is a waste of time, you already have all you need.
16) Believe in miracles. Be a miracle.
17) Don't be afraid of losing your innocence, it is what sets you free.
18) Familiarity breeds contempt.

19) Life is what happens when we are making other plans.
20) We always have choices, no matter how bad the situation.
21) I star in the movie of my own life - laughing, weeping, striving, falling, getting up once again, believing that in the end, everything will be just fine.

Daily Inspirations

2009-11-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which reject revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method.
~Martin Luther King Jr., December 11, 1964

Love and Other Disasters

2009-10-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

(A)
As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to read my thoughts

As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

Excerpt from: "Laicite Minority Rights: The Implications of the Headscarf Ban in France"

2009-10-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

Secularism is the norm, ideology, and religion of modern France. The concept laïcité encompasses in its tenets, the prohibition of conspicuous religious symbol in the public sphere. However, it seems that the notion of laïcité was extended to assimilate a large Muslim minority into the French society. The French government believes that the headscarf challenges the principle of laïcité and France as a secular state. To many Muslim girls in France, the headscarf furor reflects a broader sentiment wafting across the French notion that it is fine to be Muslim, just do not remind “us”—French society—about it by the way you dress.

The reality in France is of a growing Muslim population, and the French are afraid of losing their identity. The debate in France over the headscarf appears to be a manifestation of this fear, and as such, it worsens the situation. The real issue should not be a question of law but of how to build a pluralistic society and of how Muslims should accommodate this concept. At the same time, fellow citizens, need to understand that to build a pluralistic society they need to know more about others, to be ready to be out-centered from their values and principles. This involves facing up to shared responsibilities. It needs good will and education. This is not the feeling Muslims and non-Muslims alike have in France. While the French feel that they have invested too much into establishing a secular society, and that allowing the headscarf would topple and disrupt their society, Muslims see the headscarf ban as a medium by the French to rid them of their identities.

Since the concept of laïcité advocates an absolute agnostic public life in France, the question remains whether or not a possible open religious society can be established as long as it does not infringe on anyone’s freedom? Under international law, states can only limit religious practices when there is a compelling public safety reason, when the manifestation of religious beliefs would impinge on the rights of others, or when it serves a legitimate educational function. Many French Muslims females wonder whether the laic laws are flexible enough to allow their headscarf, because giving it up would take away a great deal of their identity.

Kenneth Roth argues that protecting the right of all students to religious freedom does not undermine secularism in schools. On the contrary, it demonstrates respect for religious diversity, a position fully consistent with maintaining the strict separation of public institutions from any particular religious message. He explains that Human Rights Watch recognizes the legitimacy of public institutions seeking not to promote any religion via their conduct or statements, but the French government has taken this a step further by suggesting that the state is undermining secularism if it allows students to wear religious symbols.

The reality of this debate over the headscarf ban is that it is far from being resolved, and with the present situation, there are no indications of a solution anytime soon. A possible solution may call for both sides of the debate establishing and agreeing to a “middle ground” to accommodate both ideologies. Another possible solution may rest on the creation of more Muslim schools, as there are currently only four private Muslim schools in France. Both the French government and Islamic authorities in France must address the questions of laïcité and minority rights, the role of an unwavering religion in public life, and the implications of the headscarf ban on religious identity if they wish to achieve enduring peace between the different ideologies in France—that of French as a secular state free of religious influences, and the freedom to religious identity.

L'histoire de ma vie

Journey to the Pyrenees

The Love Letter

A Woman Should Have...

Even if I Do not Show it, I think About you All the Time ;)

Ringing in the New Year...the Journey Ahead

Frozen Lakes

Dear Blog

From Home to Home

My Life In Three and Half Suitcases

And the Countdown Begins...

Drafts

CLOSURE

Finding My Center

Between Dreams

DETOX

"Take the Bull by The Horn"...

So Much to Do

Overwhelmed

Going Back to My Roots

The Pain Within

Everyday

Perfecting my Flaws

Currently

Welcome to my Truth

Slacking Off

A HANDICAP OF DEFINITION (Part II)

A HANDICAP OF DEFINITION (Part I)

Busy Busy Busy

De moi à vous

Imagine This Concept

The power of Words

MINE

Autobiography

lOVE'S DEMISE

Love For Thought

So, I am currently on my lunch break, and as a result, I decided to browse the internet. This are some of the quotes I came across while casually browsing (without searching for anything specific). I found a couple of Love Quotes I really liked... so I decided to share with y'all. Enjoy.

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”--Judy Garland

“Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with.”

"Love is just Love. It can never be explained."

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”--Don Juan DeMarco

Curtains in the Wind

The Aftermath of My Blog

That Time Travel...

PRAYERS FOR HAITI

Something Like Love

Another Direction...Maybe?

The Power of Small

Life in Reality

CHOICES

THE "NIGERIAN" TERRORIST

My Bucket List

What Were We Fighting For? Who Bore the Costs?

To New Beginnings

Bading Farewell To the Previous Year....and Making Resolutions For The New Year

Trapped in the Middle... No Longer

The Story of the Women of Famn Veret! An Undaunted Life

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” ~Washington Irving

Nap Time....Oooops I Stayed Up Too Late or Early?

Today...

'Please Help me' (I found this in My Private Stash)

So before I say "Bon Nuit"....

People that are Important in My Life (in no particular order)

Friendship

My Love

To My Valentine

At Night

Our Love

La vie quotidiennement: Life on a Daily Basis

21 Things I know for Sure

Daily Inspirations

Love and Other Disasters

Excerpt from: "Laicite Minority Rights: The Implications of the Headscarf Ban in France"